I need ask... What about the Bisexuals?
The bisexuality in Rome don't were bad view if the Roman is the dominant in the bed.
Honestly it depends, it's likely the average American doesn't even realize you can like multiple genders. It might be somewhat accepted although still looked down on to have sex with your own gender sometimes as long as you marry and have kids are quiet about it (the don't ask, don't tell Napo mentioned), but it still sucks for Bisexuals who fall in love with members of our own genders. Also, interesting note, it was probably just another way of slandering him but one of the accusations against Lincoln V in the part of the transcript that Napo posted before had Stormont accuse him of being "either a homosexual or a male whore who fails to perform in the marital bed, which your wife has told me to be true, possibly both".
STORMONT: You see, Mr. Lincoln, when I hear you saying you don't care what turns your wife on, I think that sounds like either a homosexual or a male whore who fails to perform in the marital bed, something which your wife has told me to be true, possibly both.
Again, probably just slander, and he obviously isn't gay since he is clearly having sex with plenty of women (just not his wife), but I think the "possibly both" thing after the part about the wife telling Stormont indicates she might thing he is interested in other men as well, implying Abe might be Bisexual. I don't think Oswald's inner circle in the Rat Pack for the most part would really give a shit if you have sex with men as long as you are a top, have sex with women as well, and you are viewed as one of their own. Since Oswald thinks he is Satan and all and only cares about worshiping himself and his own self-interest, I don't think he would really care if Abe V was Bi, especially since it gives him blackmail material if he ever turns on Oswald since its still illegal even if rarely actually prosecuted. The nature of the Pinnacle Future in general makes me think it could become somewhat accepted (although not talked about) for Young Pinnie's to fool around with members of their own gender a bit as youth, especially in the military or ORRA where men are constantly surrounded by close comrades they are living with, eating with, and fighting in life-or-death situations with and there are few women around, but it's seen as a youthful thing that you give up when you grow up so you can start a "real" relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
I honestly thought I was the only one, but it seems that I was sorely mistaken.
Half the mod team of the Discord is trans if you don't count Napo himself (me and Scrivener).
 
Let us not forget the homoerotic elements of fascism. Comrade Patriot Ernst Rhom and his shock squad of twinks. Pinnacle Men must lay with other Pinnacle Men to synchronize there fluids and open a portal to the fantastic.
 
Let us not forget the homoerotic elements of fascism. Comrade Patriot Ernst Rhom and his shock squad of twinks. Pinnacle Men must lay with other Pinnacle Men to synchronize there fluids and open a portal to the fantastic.
Comrade-Patriot sn290466 is revealing the truths we all refused to believe.
 
Napo logging on to find the whole thread talking about queers and capybaras:
2E4DDF59-6B3D-4A52-96D3-17A5747E6488.jpeg
 
Kissimmee, Florida

“What is the status of American Son, Richard?” Richard Nixon looked at his father Benjamin or Benny Nixon, it was evening and both men sat in Benny’s study, full of his papers and memorabilia from forty years of film production. “I just spoke with Ikin this afternoon, he is finishing the final edit and promises to have it ready for Veterans Day. I plan to have the first showing that day in Philadelphia free of charge for military veterans, it will be subdued but the subsequent showings will be packed.” “So soon Richard, can Ikin complete this so quickly and it be good quality?” “Father, the beginning of this year I started laying the groundwork for this picture. Everyone knew about Steele’s health, and I surmised that any film about his life will be an instant hit. Hell look at the ones for Lincoln and Custer, they still do well when they run! So, I had the legal people start drawing up the paperwork, obtaining permission from the various offices and so on, doing the interviews. We told people we were doing a picture about his life, which was true, so we had almost no resistance. When Steele passed all Ikin needed was my permission to put everything together. Ikin may be eccentric in some ways but his attention to detail is second to none. He has been working sixteen-hour days since September and his staff must remind him to eat sometimes.”

“So, what is the picture about, standard patriotic fare.” “No father, we are going in a different direction. We show Joe Steele, son of Custer, Joe Steele, who volunteered to serve the country overseas. The man who was in some of the fiercest fighting while others stayed home. Then he comes back and serves again during the war. We show his care for his men, his serving on the front lines. Then, Custer dies, and he returns to the country, not as a conqueror but a servant of the people. He becomes President, then we show his resolve during the Flu, the post war boom, the Destiny roads. We show his marriage, the kids, the family man. Then Climax, the loss of Marcus, his search for Oswald and then the marriage of Wyetta. Then we finish with his last speech.” Benny Nixon sat in his buffalo hide office chair, the smoke from his Morton’s drifting up as if from a campfire. Richard stood like a man applying for his first job out of university, waiting for the first indication of success or rejection. “Well Richard, it is ambitious work, risky, but nothing is achieved by timid men. If this succeeds, and I think it will, you can write your own ticket. I must say I am proud of you, and I am going to tell you something that must be kept between me and you. After this picture I plan to retire and I am naming you the new Executive Officer.”

“Father you cannot be serious.” “Richard I am sixty-eight and I am lucky to have gotten this far. This industry is built on young rams like you blazing new directions. Look at this Tele-Vizor technology they are coming out with. It will change thing like sound and color film did twenty years ago. You need people with fresh ideas. Besides, my health is not the best. You can call me honorary chairman or what have you and I will still be around pestering you. This is your chance Richard, time to seize it. I need to also talk about your personal life Richard. You need to find a wife.” “Father, this is really not the time.” “This is the time! Save that garbage for your mother and the press. I know why you’re doing this picture and Richard she is not coming back. She is a married woman and now a mother for Jev’s sake. She went to Oswald the moment he came back and did not even look back. Half the women in Lucky Duck would’ve sacrificed themselves to be where she was.

Look, I am not forcing you to marry but some relationships last for a few days, a few months, maybe a few years. Enjoy the memories you have with Wyetta but you need to move on. You need a partnership like your mother and I have. You cannot run an empire alone surrounded by hyenas. You need someone who will beside you all the time. Maybe it will not be a passion filled romance, but you need stability. She can look like her, but you must leave Wyetta alone. From what I heard you need to keep a distance from Oswald. You are not the first couple to go their separate ways. Do you understand me Richard?”

“Yes Father, I understand.”
 
COURT TRANSCRIPT: LINCOLN VS F.O.T.F.A.

REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT - COURT TRANSCRIPT


COURT OF THE SUPREME JUSTICIAR OF LAW AND ORDER
THE HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK

CASE NUMBER: B-46-2-02-12
DATE: FEBRUARY 2, 1946

MR. A. A. LINCOLN V VS. FOCUS ON THE FAMILY ACT/REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA

*************************
TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
*************************



BE IT REMEMBERED that on the 2nd of February, 1946, before the HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK, Republican Union Supreme Justiciar of Law and Order, the above styled and numbered case came on for hearing, and the following constitutes the transcript of such proceedings as set forth hereinafter.

A P P E A R A N C E
-------------------

Mr. Nelson V. Stormont
Attorney at Law
284 Welcome Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
STATE'S PROSECUTOR

Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V
Defendant
420 Founding Father St.
Kissimmee, FL
REPRESENTING HIMSELF

P R O C E E D I N G S
--------------------------


JUDGE FINK: Greetings, my fellow Americans and distinguished servants of the court, All Hail. The Court is now in session. This is the highest court in the land, for matters Pinnacle Class and otherwise National in level, and as such we expect all involved to control and contain any outbursts, rude remarks, or otherwise inappropriate and ungentlemanly behaviors. The Court's RUMP Sheriff will now call forward the appearances.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the defendant, Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V, at this time.

LINCOLN: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the state's prosecuting attorney, Mr. Nelson V. Stormont.

STORMONT: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, today you stand in the highest court of the land accused of high crimes and misdemeanors including but not limited to fornication, blasphemy, and oath-breaking. Before you proceed, this is a Better Court for Pinnacle Blooded Citizens and I am legally advised to counsel you to take legal refuge with a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one can be appointed for you. Do you still wish to represent yourself, sir?

LINCOLN: Sir, yes, sir, Your Honor. I am an established, learned lawyer myself, famous for not only my name but also my legal capabilities. I graduated top of my class at Harvard and I am fully capable of discrediting these... pitiful attempts at undermining my integrity and pursuit of life and liberty.

JUDGE: Very well, the defendant Mr. Lincoln has been offered legal counsel but has refused, so let it be recorded in the logs, thank you. Mr. Stormont, you may present your opening remarks to the Court.

STORMONT: Thank you, Your Honor. It is my honor to press these charges and I believe I will be able to keep this short and sweet. Your Honor, last month, on the 3rd of January, 1946, the defendant's wife notified authorities, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that the defendant, Mr. Lincoln V, had committed several grave and heinous violations of the Focus on the Family Act of 1914, a trademark set of laws created by our President and Atheling Joseph Steele to safeguard the virtue and morals of our Pinnacle Society. The defendant's wife reported, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that Mr. Lincoln V regularly and shamelessly violates these sacred statutes via fornication and fluid-exchange with strange, lewd, and lascivious women of svelte and buxom natures, further intimate acts with these wicked women of ill repute, and corrupts the morals, spiritual cleanliness, and fluidic hygiene of the Republican Union as a whole through his wanton acts of debauched sexual escapades--escapades that bring shame and dishonor upon his wife, himself, and his very name.

JUDGE: What would the State's Attorney deem an acceptable punishment if convinced?

STORMONT: Your Honor, typically violations of the F.O.T.F.A. of this magnitude, Class B, by Pinnacle Class citizens are rewarded with a fine to the spouse who has been slighted, service in a Redemption Legion, and a full-fault divorce.

JUDGE: So I am to understand you are pushing for all three punishments?

STORMONT: No, sir, Your Honor. The State will be requesting execution.

LINCOLN: I BEG YOUR PARDON? (shouting)

JUDGE: We will have silence at this time, Mr. Lincoln. You will have your time to defend shortly. Mr. Stormont, you are requesting that the defendant be executed for these crimes against the State. May I ask your reasoning--for the record?

STORMONT: Sir, the defendant's wife is absolutely heartbroken over this whole chain of events. It truly is devastating to sit and listen to her describe the personal hell Mr. Lincoln V put her through over the past several years. We would ask that Mr. Lincoln V be executed, via a method of his own choosing, for not only the pain and sorrow inflicted on his wife and the wanton sexual degradation of the fabric of our society, but also for shaming and dishonoring such a Pinnacle and Well-Bred name as Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln V's S.I.N. is a Pinnacle Class, marking him as a member of one of the highest and most noble bloodlines in history, and through his disgusting acts involving not only penile-vaginal fornication, but also penile-oral-female and general illicit male-female fluid exchange, involving not only the sucking of the harlotine breasts and copious spanking, involving not only hugging but also kissing, of a woman or multiple women of ill repute in numbers from one to three at one time during the course of violating a legally and religiously recognized marital state, and through his disgusting-- Pardon, Your Honor, I need a sip of water. Much better. And through his other reprehensible, careless, selfish, and revolting acts of heterosexual yet abnormal sexuality generally recognized as unclean and immoral, he has proven himself not only unworthy of the Lincoln name, not only unworthy of the categorization within the Pinnacle Class, but also of being a generally unfit and irredeemable national disgrace. We ask him and welcome him to plead guilty in this matter in the name of general expediency, and in such case we would ask for the execution to be carried out quickly so that Mrs. Lincoln V can get on with her life and Mr. Lincoln V can get over with his own.

JUDGE: How does the defendant plead?

LINCOLN: Your Honor, I plead innocent! And I ask that the consideration for execution be thrown out as it is a monstrous miscarriage of justice to even consider it in this case.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, you may make your case for your innocence posthaste while I mull on the special request for execution to be dropped.

LINCOLN: Thank you, Your Honor. I, uh, uh, I am sorry, I am rather flabbergasted with how this has turned out. Not only are these lies about me perfidious and revolting, they are merely the deluded fantasies of a desperate woman to dispose of me and live the good life on the funds and treasures laid up by five generations of my family.

JUDGE: By fantasies, do you mean fantasies in the sense of a lack of sanity or in the sexual manner, Mr. Lincoln V?

LINCOLN: Your Honor?

JUDGE: I am asking, sir, if you are implying your wife is insane or she sexually conjures up stories about your carrying-on with whores and harlots to bring about her own sexual gratification?

LINCOLN: Sir? I am implying she is a lying strumpet, sir. I care not for what vile and horrid things turn her on, so to speak coarsely.

STORMONT: Your Honor, if I may ask a question?

JUDGE: Proceed, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Mr. Lincoln, you say you care not what horrible fetishes turn your wife on... is this to say that you are not intimate with your wife?

LINCOLN: I have been intimate with her many times throughout the course of our ten year marriage. Your Honor, what kind of question is this? Objection!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont. Please answer the questions, Mr. Lincoln V.

STORMONT: You see, Mr. Lincoln, when I hear you saying you don't care what turns your wife on, I think that sounds like either a homosexual or a male whore who fails to perform in the marital bed, something which your wife has told me to be true--possibly both! Therefore, you are receiving your pleasures of the flesh elsewhere, in other orifices of other women... Women, Your Honor, that the defendant consorts and cavorts with on the regular! Your Honor, we are in the presence of a sexual deviant of hideous proportions. If we fail to make an example of this man by execution, today's youth will grow up thinking anything goes, that the Focus on the Family Act is but a hazy voluntary guideline. A future in which every street corner has fifteen hookers selling snatch for a few damp shreds of pocket bacon and every schoolboy is covered in pustules and lesions, marks of shame given by Jev Himself as a symbol of their unclean bodies and spirits, befouled and befuddled by lust and lunacy. Your Honor, failing to execute this man will have negative implications for the future of our country like you wouldn't believe. First their heroes 'spend time' with the scarlet ladies of the night, next you know they are drinking mouse wine in the corn crib and absinthe in the outhouse. And then the youth are lying with each other in unnatural ways and reading Byron, espousing atheism, Illuminism, and Beutelism, as their eyes go blind, their palms grow hairy, and their organs shut down. Sir, not killing Mr. Lincoln and leaving all his worldly property to his wife is the next and greatest step on the road to degradation, I say degradation of America's Pinnacle youth. Ten percent of this hoard will go to paying me, but I almost hate to even touch such filthy lucre, even though I will."

LINCOLN: OBJECTION!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Your Honor, I have a flesh-and-fluid witness to these foul acts, undercover ORRA agent Nora Smith, who engaged in sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln at least thirty separate times at the behest of the State.

LINCOLN: NORA? FUCKING NORA IS AN ORRA AGENT? I WAS IN A FUCKING STING? What kind of damn railroading is this?

JUDGE: Silence, Mr. Lincoln V, or I'll find you in contempt! Your mouth is nearly as filthy as your law-breaking penis.

STORMONT: The state would now like to call Special Agent Nora Smith to the stand.

SHERIFF: Miss Smith, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Jev and Prophet?

SMITH: I do.

JUDGE: You may examine your witness, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Special Agent Smith, did you engage in lewd sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln V upwards of thirty separate times?

SMITH: Indeed.

STORMONT: And was Mr. Lincoln in a confirmed monogamous married relationship with his wife at the time of these dalliances?

SMITH: He was.

STORMONT: So you conducted an affair with Mr. Lincoln V as part of the broader Focus on the Family special unit known as Lustful Ladies?

SMITH: I did.

STORMONT: So, if what you say is true, Mr. Lincoln is a philandering wastrel of the highest order?

SMITH: We conducted an affair, yes.

STORMONT: (VISIBLE FRUSTRATION) Is Mr. Lincoln V a philandering wastrel?

SMITH: I... I... I love him.

COMMOTION

STORMONT: You what? What the devil do you mean?

SMITH: No one... No one has ever made love to me like Abe. No one. His warm words, his soft lips. Ugh. Enough to make a woman melt.

STORMONT: That will be ALL, Ms. Smith!

JUDGE: No, Mr. Stormont. Let her speak her mind. Go on, Special Agent Smith.

SMITH: The Pinnacle prowess of his Lincoln Log... It's indescribable. No man before or since has been so gifted in his manhood.

JUDGE: Do go on, Miss Smith. How would you describe his manhood? Is he hooded or fixed? Uh, just for the record.

***


Abraham Aaron Lincoln V sat dumbfounded as his former lover proceeded to tell Judge Fink, the Supreme Justiciar of the Republican Union, everything there was to know about his anatomy and capabilities. It would be comedy if his neck wasn't on the line. All the same, he felt rather proud of the legendary yarn Special Agent Smith was spinning. Even if this was the unjust end of the line, people would know about the size of his manhood in detail. He smiled at that thought.

He hated Fink. The man was obsessed with him, and had been for years, and seemed fascinated by every unnecessary lurid detail of his sex life. Abe wished he could just stand up from his seat, rush the bench, and strangle the portly man with his own robes. If this was the end of the line, he might as well. There was no way Fink and his lackey lawyer Stormont were going to let him out of this one. This was, in all likelihood, the end of the road for Abe V. He sighed and put his head in his hands.

Just then, a loud commotion came from the back of the courtroom. The huge oak doors had swung open violently, the aged, out-of-shape RUMP officers who had been standing guard were thrown to their knees and left grasping for their sidearms in surprise. A tall, thin blonde man in a dark blue overcoat pulled a service pistol out and aimed it at them. "Wouldn't do that, boys."

Abe V recognized that man and his voice anywhere. It was Ryan Hendrick, the glamorous golden boy of Kissimmee. And coming up behind him were several dozen ORRA troopers in full combat gear, white puttees contrasting with the dull blue of their uniforms, their boots clicking against the marble floor as they charged in, weapons ready. The thirty or so observers and press in the courtroom were ducking behind their seats in terror at the powderkeg situation unfolding before them. The other RUMP officers in the courtroom, including the Sheriff and two goons behind the bench, drew their own revolvers and leveled them at Hendrick and his men. Stormont threw himself behind a partition like the coward he was.

"What in the hell is going on here?" barked Judge Fink. "How dare you ruffians interrupt the legal proceedings of the highest court in the land?!"

"I am ORRA Chief Cultural Officer Ryan Hendrick, and me and my men are acting on authority of the highest power in the land to stop these proceedings at once. This miscarriage of justice is a disgrace to the bench, Fink!" Hendrick shouted as he quickly marched down the center aisle toward the judge as if there weren't RUMP men aiming revolvers at him.

"President Steele has never and would never stop F.O.T.F.A. judicial affairs, nor does ORRA have power over the Supreme Justiciar! Now out of this courtroom before I put you on trial, Hendrick!"

"You're gonna make me do the thing, aren't you?" Hendrick asked in an overly-sad, mock-exhausted tone. He casually lowered his pistol, pulled a cigarette out from behind his (rather large) ear, and lit it with a lighter from Stormont's desk. Sighing, he took a long drag.

Every vein in Fink's plump face was pulsing, his skin a beat, enraged red. "Do what thing, Hendrick?!"

Hendrick sighed again, turned around on his heels, and smiled a frustrated smile at Abe V, as if saying, without so many words, "Get a load of this moron, Abe." Wheeling back around, he locked eyes with Special Agent Smith, said, "The thing," winked his right eye at her, and before anyone knew what was happening, Judge Fink's brains were splattered all over the bench. A smoking pistol, previously hidden in the sleeve of Smith's sweater, retracted back in. The RUMP boys shakily dropped their pistols and raised their hands. Hendrick walked up, squinting as if to comically make sure Fink was dead, and then snuffed out his cigarette on the balding pate of the dead man. Then, he turned to Abe V and said, "Abraham Aaron Lincoln the Fifth! Long time no see. I trust you are well. The President has need of you."

"President Steele needs me?" Abe asked, raising an eyebrow. He saw a terrified Stormont gasping for air behind his partition, ogling the deceased Supreme Justiciar.

"Something like that like," Hendrick smiled. "Let us be on our way, out of prying eyes and ears."

What Lincoln learned as he was briefed on the way out of the building was shocking. President Steele had passed away at last, leaving the country to his son-in-law, Chuck Oswald. Chuck and Abe had partied together numerous times and were even pen pals of a sort, and so this made his rescue from the mockery of justice make more sense. What shocked him most of all, though, was what he was told as he was hurtled into a blacked-out roadster. "We were gonna just send Fink into exile, but Chuck said if he gave us too much trouble to make an example out of him. Anyway, yeah, Chuck wants you to be the new Supreme Justiciar. He's going to address the country in hours, and he wants you there in full robes to lend legitimacy to the whole thing. You're a popular guy, you know? So what do you say, Abe?"

Abe gazed out the window at the Philadelphia skyline and smiled. Victory from the jaws of defeat. The Lincoln family was marching back to the forefront of history. "Oh, I'm definitely in."
 

REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT - COURT TRANSCRIPT


COURT OF THE SUPREME JUSTICIAR OF LAW AND ORDER
THE HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK

CASE NUMBER: B-46-2-02-12
DATE: FEBRUARY 2, 1946

MR. A. A. LINCOLN V VS. FOCUS ON THE FAMILY ACT/REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA

*************************
TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
*************************



BE IT REMEMBERED that on the 2nd of February, 1946, before the HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK, Republican Union Supreme Justiciar of Law and Order, the above styled and numbered case came on for hearing, and the following constitutes the transcript of such proceedings as set forth hereinafter.

A P P E A R A N C E
-------------------

Mr. Nelson V. Stormont
Attorney at Law
284 Welcome Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
STATE'S PROSECUTOR

Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V
Defendant
420 Founding Father St.
Kissimmee, FL
REPRESENTING HIMSELF

P R O C E E D I N G S
--------------------------


JUDGE FINK: Greetings, my fellow Americans and distinguished servants of the court, All Hail. The Court is now in session. This is the highest court in the land, for matters Pinnacle Class and otherwise National in level, and as such we expect all involved to control and contain any outbursts, rude remarks, or otherwise inappropriate and ungentlemanly behaviors. The Court's RUMP Sheriff will now call forward the appearances.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the defendant, Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V, at this time.

LINCOLN: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the state's prosecuting attorney, Mr. Nelson V. Stormont.

STORMONT: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, today you stand in the highest court of the land accused of high crimes and misdemeanors including but not limited to fornication, blasphemy, and oath-breaking. Before you proceed, this is a Better Court for Pinnacle Blooded Citizens and I am legally advised to counsel you to take legal refuge with a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one can be appointed for you. Do you still wish to represent yourself, sir?

LINCOLN: Sir, yes, sir, Your Honor. I am an established, learned lawyer myself, famous for not only my name but also my legal capabilities. I graduated top of my class at Harvard and I am fully capable of discrediting these... pitiful attempts at undermining my integrity and pursuit of life and liberty.

JUDGE: Very well, the defendant Mr. Lincoln has been offered legal counsel but has refused, so let it be recorded in the logs, thank you. Mr. Stormont, you may present your opening remarks to the Court.

STORMONT: Thank you, Your Honor. It is my honor to press these charges and I believe I will be able to keep this short and sweet. Your Honor, last month, on the 3rd of January, 1946, the defendant's wife notified authorities, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that the defendant, Mr. Lincoln V, had committed several grave and heinous violations of the Focus on the Family Act of 1914, a trademark set of laws created by our President and Atheling Joseph Steele to safeguard the virtue and morals of our Pinnacle Society. The defendant's wife reported, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that Mr. Lincoln V regularly and shamelessly violates these sacred statutes via fornication and fluid-exchange with strange, lewd, and lascivious women of svelte and buxom natures, further intimate acts with these wicked women of ill repute, and corrupts the morals, spiritual cleanliness, and fluidic hygiene of the Republican Union as a whole through his wanton acts of debauched sexual escapades--escapades that bring shame and dishonor upon his wife, himself, and his very name.

JUDGE: What would the State's Attorney deem an acceptable punishment if convinced?

STORMONT: Your Honor, typically violations of the F.O.T.F.A. of this magnitude, Class B, by Pinnacle Class citizens are rewarded with a fine to the spouse who has been slighted, service in a Redemption Legion, and a full-fault divorce.

JUDGE: So I am to understand you are pushing for all three punishments?

STORMONT: No, sir, Your Honor. The State will be requesting execution.

LINCOLN: I BEG YOUR PARDON? (shouting)

JUDGE: We will have silence at this time, Mr. Lincoln. You will have your time to defend shortly. Mr. Stormont, you are requesting that the defendant be executed for these crimes against the State. May I ask your reasoning--for the record?

STORMONT: Sir, the defendant's wife is absolutely heartbroken over this whole chain of events. It truly is devastating to sit and listen to her describe the personal hell Mr. Lincoln V put her through over the past several years. We would ask that Mr. Lincoln V be executed, via a method of his own choosing, for not only the pain and sorrow inflicted on his wife and the wanton sexual degradation of the fabric of our society, but also for shaming and dishonoring such a Pinnacle and Well-Bred name as Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln V's S.I.N. is a Pinnacle Class, marking him as a member of one of the highest and most noble bloodlines in history, and through his disgusting acts involving not only penile-vaginal fornication, but also penile-oral-female and general illicit male-female fluid exchange, involving not only the sucking of the harlotine breasts and copious spanking, involving not only hugging but also kissing, of a woman or multiple women of ill repute in numbers from one to three at one time during the course of violating a legally and religiously recognized marital state, and through his disgusting-- Pardon, Your Honor, I need a sip of water. Much better. And through his other reprehensible, careless, selfish, and revolting acts of heterosexual yet abnormal sexuality generally recognized as unclean and immoral, he has proven himself not only unworthy of the Lincoln name, not only unworthy of the categorization within the Pinnacle Class, but also of being a generally unfit and irredeemable national disgrace. We ask him and welcome him to plead guilty in this matter in the name of general expediency, and in such case we would ask for the execution to be carried out quickly so that Mrs. Lincoln V can get on with her life and Mr. Lincoln V can get over with his own.

JUDGE: How does the defendant plead?

LINCOLN: Your Honor, I plead innocent! And I ask that the consideration for execution be thrown out as it is a monstrous miscarriage of justice to even consider it in this case.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, you may make your case for your innocence posthaste while I mull on the special request for execution to be dropped.

LINCOLN: Thank you, Your Honor. I, uh, uh, I am sorry, I am rather flabbergasted with how this has turned out. Not only are these lies about me perfidious and revolting, they are merely the deluded fantasies of a desperate woman to dispose of me and live the good life on the funds and treasures laid up by five generations of my family.

JUDGE: By fantasies, do you mean fantasies in the sense of a lack of sanity or in the sexual manner, Mr. Lincoln V?

LINCOLN: Your Honor?

JUDGE: I am asking, sir, if you are implying your wife is insane or she sexually conjures up stories about your carrying-on with whores and harlots to bring about her own sexual gratification?

LINCOLN: Sir? I am implying she is a lying strumpet, sir. I care not for what vile and horrid things turn her on, so to speak coarsely.

STORMONT: Your Honor, if I may ask a question?

JUDGE: Proceed, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Mr. Lincoln, you say you care not what horrible fetishes turn your wife on... is this to say that you are not intimate with your wife?

LINCOLN: I have been intimate with her many times throughout the course of our ten year marriage. Your Honor, what kind of question is this? Objection!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont. Please answer the questions, Mr. Lincoln V.

STORMONT: You see, Mr. Lincoln, when I hear you saying you don't care what turns your wife on, I think that sounds like either a homosexual or a male whore who fails to perform in the marital bed, something which your wife has told me to be true--possibly both! Therefore, you are receiving your pleasures of the flesh elsewhere, in other orifices of other women... Women, Your Honor, that the defendant consorts and cavorts with on the regular! Your Honor, we are in the presence of a sexual deviant of hideous proportions. If we fail to make an example of this man by execution, today's youth will grow up thinking anything goes, that the Focus on the Family Act is but a hazy voluntary guideline. A future in which every street corner has fifteen hookers selling snatch for a few damp shreds of pocket bacon and every schoolboy is covered in pustules and lesions, marks of shame given by Jev Himself as a symbol of their unclean bodies and spirits, befouled and befuddled by lust and lunacy. Your Honor, failing to execute this man will have negative implications for the future of our country like you wouldn't believe. First their heroes 'spend time' with the scarlet ladies of the night, next you know they are drinking mouse wine in the corn crib and absinthe in the outhouse. And then the youth are lying with each other in unnatural ways and reading Byron, espousing atheism, Illuminism, and Beutelism, as their eyes go blind, their palms grow hairy, and their organs shut down. Sir, not killing Mr. Lincoln and leaving all his worldly property to his wife is the next and greatest step on the road to degradation, I say degradation of America's Pinnacle youth. Ten percent of this hoard will go to paying me, but I almost hate to even touch such filthy lucre, even though I will."

LINCOLN: OBJECTION!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Your Honor, I have a flesh-and-fluid witness to these foul acts, undercover ORRA agent Nora Smith, who engaged in sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln at least thirty separate times at the behest of the State.

LINCOLN: NORA? FUCKING NORA IS AN ORRA AGENT? I WAS IN A FUCKING STING? What kind of damn railroading is this?

JUDGE: Silence, Mr. Lincoln V, or I'll find you in contempt! Your mouth is nearly as filthy as your law-breaking penis.

STORMONT: The state would now like to call Special Agent Nora Smith to the stand.

SHERIFF: Miss Smith, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Jev and Prophet?

SMITH: I do.

JUDGE: You may examine your witness, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Special Agent Smith, did you engage in lewd sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln V upwards of thirty separate times?

SMITH: Indeed.

STORMONT: And was Mr. Lincoln in a confirmed monogamous married relationship with his wife at the time of these dalliances?

SMITH: He was.

STORMONT: So you conducted an affair with Mr. Lincoln V as part of the broader Focus on the Family special unit known as Lustful Ladies?

SMITH: I did.

STORMONT: So, if what you say is true, Mr. Lincoln is a philandering wastrel of the highest order?

SMITH: We conducted an affair, yes.

STORMONT: (VISIBLE FRUSTRATION) Is Mr. Lincoln V a philandering wastrel?

SMITH: I... I... I love him.

COMMOTION

STORMONT: You what? What the devil do you mean?

SMITH: No one... No one has ever made love to me like Abe. No one. His warm words, his soft lips. Ugh. Enough to make a woman melt.

STORMONT: That will be ALL, Ms. Smith!

JUDGE: No, Mr. Stormont. Let her speak her mind. Go on, Special Agent Smith.

SMITH: The Pinnacle prowess of his Lincoln Log... It's indescribable. No man before or since has been so gifted in his manhood.

JUDGE: Do go on, Miss Smith. How would you describe his manhood? Is he hooded or fixed? Uh, just for the record.

***


Abraham Aaron Lincoln V sat dumbfounded as his former lover proceeded to tell Judge Fink, the Supreme Justiciar of the Republican Union, everything there was to know about his anatomy and capabilities. It would be comedy if his neck wasn't on the line. All the same, he felt rather proud of the legendary yarn Special Agent Smith was spinning. Even if this was the unjust end of the line, people would know about the size of his manhood in detail. He smiled at that thought.

He hated Fink. The man was obsessed with him, and had been for years, and seemed fascinated by every unnecessary lurid detail of his sex life. Abe wished he could just stand up from his seat, rush the bench, and strangle the portly man with his own robes. If this was the end of the line, he might as well. There was no way Fink and his lackey lawyer Stormont were going to let him out of this one. This was, in all likelihood, the end of the road for Abe V. He sighed and put his head in his hands.

Just then, a loud commotion came from the back of the courtroom. The huge oak doors had swung open violently, the aged, out-of-shape RUMP officers who had been standing guard were thrown to their knees and left grasping for their sidearms in surprise. A tall, thin blonde man in a dark blue overcoat pulled a service pistol out and aimed it at them. "Wouldn't do that, boys."

Abe V recognized that man and his voice anywhere. It was Ryan Hendrick, the glamorous golden boy of Kissimmee. And coming up behind him were several dozen ORRA troopers in full combat gear, white puttees contrasting with the dull blue of their uniforms, their boots clicking against the marble floor as they charged in, weapons ready. The thirty or so observers and press in the courtroom were ducking behind their seats in terror at the powderkeg situation unfolding before them. The other RUMP officers in the courtroom, including the Sheriff and two goons behind the bench, drew their own revolvers and leveled them at Hendrick and his men. Stormont threw himself behind a partition like the coward he was.

"What in the hell is going on here?" barked Judge Fink. "How dare you ruffians interrupt the legal proceedings of the highest court in the land?!"

"I am ORRA Chief Cultural Officer Ryan Hendrick, and me and my men are acting on authority of the highest power in the land to stop these proceedings at once. This miscarriage of justice is a disgrace to the bench, Fink!" Hendrick shouted as he quickly marched down the center aisle toward the judge as if there weren't RUMP men aiming revolvers at him.

"President Steele has never and would never stop F.O.T.F.A. judicial affairs, nor does ORRA have power over the Supreme Justiciar! Now out of this courtroom before I put you on trial, Hendrick!"

"You're gonna make me do the thing, aren't you?" Hendrick asked in an overly-sad, mock-exhausted tone. He casually lowered his pistol, pulled a cigarette out from behind his (rather large) ear, and lit it with a lighter from Stormont's desk. Sighing, he took a long drag.

Every vein in Fink's plump face was pulsing, his skin a beat, enraged red. "Do what thing, Hendrick?!"

Hendrick sighed again, turned around on his heels, and smiled a frustrated smile at Abe V, as if saying, without so many words, "Get a load of this moron, Abe." Wheeling back around, he locked eyes with Special Agent Smith, said, "The thing," winked his right eye at her, and before anyone knew what was happening, Judge Fink's brains were splattered all over the bench. A smoking pistol, previously hidden in the sleeve of Smith's sweater, retracted back in. The RUMP boys shakily dropped their pistols and raised their hands. Hendrick walked up, squinting as if to comically make sure Fink was dead, and then snuffed out his cigarette on the balding pate of the dead man. Then, he turned to Abe V and said, "Abraham Aaron Lincoln the Fifth! Long time no see. I trust you are well. The President has need of you."

"President Steele needs me?" Abe asked, raising an eyebrow. He saw a terrified Stormont gasping for air behind his partition, ogling the deceased Supreme Justiciar.

"Something like that like," Hendrick smiled. "Let us be on our way, out of prying eyes and ears."

What Lincoln learned as he was briefed on the way out of the building was shocking. President Steele had passed away at last, leaving the country to his son-in-law, Chuck Oswald. Chuck and Abe had partied together numerous times and were even pen pals of a sort, and so this made his rescue from the mockery of justice make more sense. What shocked him most of all, though, was what he was told as he was hurtled into a blacked-out roadster. "We were gonna just send Fink into exile, but Chuck said if he gave us too much trouble to make an example out of him. Anyway, yeah, Chuck wants you to be the new Supreme Justiciar. He's going to address the country in hours, and he wants you there in full robes to lend legitimacy to the whole thing. You're a popular guy, you know? So what do you say, Abe?"

Abe gazed out the window at the Philadelphia skyline and smiled. Victory from the jaws of defeat. The Lincoln family was marching back to the forefront of history. "Oh, I'm definitely in."
BETTER CALL ABE
 

REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT - COURT TRANSCRIPT


COURT OF THE SUPREME JUSTICIAR OF LAW AND ORDER
THE HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK

CASE NUMBER: B-46-2-02-12
DATE: FEBRUARY 2, 1946

MR. A. A. LINCOLN V VS. FOCUS ON THE FAMILY ACT/REPUBLICAN UNION OF AMERICA

*************************
TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
*************************



BE IT REMEMBERED that on the 2nd of February, 1946, before the HONORABLE HARMON F. FINK, Republican Union Supreme Justiciar of Law and Order, the above styled and numbered case came on for hearing, and the following constitutes the transcript of such proceedings as set forth hereinafter.

A P P E A R A N C E
-------------------

Mr. Nelson V. Stormont
Attorney at Law
284 Welcome Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
STATE'S PROSECUTOR

Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V
Defendant
420 Founding Father St.
Kissimmee, FL
REPRESENTING HIMSELF

P R O C E E D I N G S
--------------------------


JUDGE FINK: Greetings, my fellow Americans and distinguished servants of the court, All Hail. The Court is now in session. This is the highest court in the land, for matters Pinnacle Class and otherwise National in level, and as such we expect all involved to control and contain any outbursts, rude remarks, or otherwise inappropriate and ungentlemanly behaviors. The Court's RUMP Sheriff will now call forward the appearances.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the defendant, Mr. Abraham Aaron Lincoln V, at this time.

LINCOLN: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

SHERIFF: All hail. The Court of the Supreme Justiciar, the Honorable Harmon F. Fink, calls forth the state's prosecuting attorney, Mr. Nelson V. Stormont.

STORMONT: Present, Your Honor. All hail.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, today you stand in the highest court of the land accused of high crimes and misdemeanors including but not limited to fornication, blasphemy, and oath-breaking. Before you proceed, this is a Better Court for Pinnacle Blooded Citizens and I am legally advised to counsel you to take legal refuge with a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one can be appointed for you. Do you still wish to represent yourself, sir?

LINCOLN: Sir, yes, sir, Your Honor. I am an established, learned lawyer myself, famous for not only my name but also my legal capabilities. I graduated top of my class at Harvard and I am fully capable of discrediting these... pitiful attempts at undermining my integrity and pursuit of life and liberty.

JUDGE: Very well, the defendant Mr. Lincoln has been offered legal counsel but has refused, so let it be recorded in the logs, thank you. Mr. Stormont, you may present your opening remarks to the Court.

STORMONT: Thank you, Your Honor. It is my honor to press these charges and I believe I will be able to keep this short and sweet. Your Honor, last month, on the 3rd of January, 1946, the defendant's wife notified authorities, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that the defendant, Mr. Lincoln V, had committed several grave and heinous violations of the Focus on the Family Act of 1914, a trademark set of laws created by our President and Atheling Joseph Steele to safeguard the virtue and morals of our Pinnacle Society. The defendant's wife reported, under no duress or hardship, being sound of mind, that Mr. Lincoln V regularly and shamelessly violates these sacred statutes via fornication and fluid-exchange with strange, lewd, and lascivious women of svelte and buxom natures, further intimate acts with these wicked women of ill repute, and corrupts the morals, spiritual cleanliness, and fluidic hygiene of the Republican Union as a whole through his wanton acts of debauched sexual escapades--escapades that bring shame and dishonor upon his wife, himself, and his very name.

JUDGE: What would the State's Attorney deem an acceptable punishment if convinced?

STORMONT: Your Honor, typically violations of the F.O.T.F.A. of this magnitude, Class B, by Pinnacle Class citizens are rewarded with a fine to the spouse who has been slighted, service in a Redemption Legion, and a full-fault divorce.

JUDGE: So I am to understand you are pushing for all three punishments?

STORMONT: No, sir, Your Honor. The State will be requesting execution.

LINCOLN: I BEG YOUR PARDON? (shouting)

JUDGE: We will have silence at this time, Mr. Lincoln. You will have your time to defend shortly. Mr. Stormont, you are requesting that the defendant be executed for these crimes against the State. May I ask your reasoning--for the record?

STORMONT: Sir, the defendant's wife is absolutely heartbroken over this whole chain of events. It truly is devastating to sit and listen to her describe the personal hell Mr. Lincoln V put her through over the past several years. We would ask that Mr. Lincoln V be executed, via a method of his own choosing, for not only the pain and sorrow inflicted on his wife and the wanton sexual degradation of the fabric of our society, but also for shaming and dishonoring such a Pinnacle and Well-Bred name as Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln V's S.I.N. is a Pinnacle Class, marking him as a member of one of the highest and most noble bloodlines in history, and through his disgusting acts involving not only penile-vaginal fornication, but also penile-oral-female and general illicit male-female fluid exchange, involving not only the sucking of the harlotine breasts and copious spanking, involving not only hugging but also kissing, of a woman or multiple women of ill repute in numbers from one to three at one time during the course of violating a legally and religiously recognized marital state, and through his disgusting-- Pardon, Your Honor, I need a sip of water. Much better. And through his other reprehensible, careless, selfish, and revolting acts of heterosexual yet abnormal sexuality generally recognized as unclean and immoral, he has proven himself not only unworthy of the Lincoln name, not only unworthy of the categorization within the Pinnacle Class, but also of being a generally unfit and irredeemable national disgrace. We ask him and welcome him to plead guilty in this matter in the name of general expediency, and in such case we would ask for the execution to be carried out quickly so that Mrs. Lincoln V can get on with her life and Mr. Lincoln V can get over with his own.

JUDGE: How does the defendant plead?

LINCOLN: Your Honor, I plead innocent! And I ask that the consideration for execution be thrown out as it is a monstrous miscarriage of justice to even consider it in this case.

JUDGE: Mr. Lincoln, you may make your case for your innocence posthaste while I mull on the special request for execution to be dropped.

LINCOLN: Thank you, Your Honor. I, uh, uh, I am sorry, I am rather flabbergasted with how this has turned out. Not only are these lies about me perfidious and revolting, they are merely the deluded fantasies of a desperate woman to dispose of me and live the good life on the funds and treasures laid up by five generations of my family.

JUDGE: By fantasies, do you mean fantasies in the sense of a lack of sanity or in the sexual manner, Mr. Lincoln V?

LINCOLN: Your Honor?

JUDGE: I am asking, sir, if you are implying your wife is insane or she sexually conjures up stories about your carrying-on with whores and harlots to bring about her own sexual gratification?

LINCOLN: Sir? I am implying she is a lying strumpet, sir. I care not for what vile and horrid things turn her on, so to speak coarsely.

STORMONT: Your Honor, if I may ask a question?

JUDGE: Proceed, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Mr. Lincoln, you say you care not what horrible fetishes turn your wife on... is this to say that you are not intimate with your wife?

LINCOLN: I have been intimate with her many times throughout the course of our ten year marriage. Your Honor, what kind of question is this? Objection!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont. Please answer the questions, Mr. Lincoln V.

STORMONT: You see, Mr. Lincoln, when I hear you saying you don't care what turns your wife on, I think that sounds like either a homosexual or a male whore who fails to perform in the marital bed, something which your wife has told me to be true--possibly both! Therefore, you are receiving your pleasures of the flesh elsewhere, in other orifices of other women... Women, Your Honor, that the defendant consorts and cavorts with on the regular! Your Honor, we are in the presence of a sexual deviant of hideous proportions. If we fail to make an example of this man by execution, today's youth will grow up thinking anything goes, that the Focus on the Family Act is but a hazy voluntary guideline. A future in which every street corner has fifteen hookers selling snatch for a few damp shreds of pocket bacon and every schoolboy is covered in pustules and lesions, marks of shame given by Jev Himself as a symbol of their unclean bodies and spirits, befouled and befuddled by lust and lunacy. Your Honor, failing to execute this man will have negative implications for the future of our country like you wouldn't believe. First their heroes 'spend time' with the scarlet ladies of the night, next you know they are drinking mouse wine in the corn crib and absinthe in the outhouse. And then the youth are lying with each other in unnatural ways and reading Byron, espousing atheism, Illuminism, and Beutelism, as their eyes go blind, their palms grow hairy, and their organs shut down. Sir, not killing Mr. Lincoln and leaving all his worldly property to his wife is the next and greatest step on the road to degradation, I say degradation of America's Pinnacle youth. Ten percent of this hoard will go to paying me, but I almost hate to even touch such filthy lucre, even though I will."

LINCOLN: OBJECTION!

JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Your Honor, I have a flesh-and-fluid witness to these foul acts, undercover ORRA agent Nora Smith, who engaged in sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln at least thirty separate times at the behest of the State.

LINCOLN: NORA? FUCKING NORA IS AN ORRA AGENT? I WAS IN A FUCKING STING? What kind of damn railroading is this?

JUDGE: Silence, Mr. Lincoln V, or I'll find you in contempt! Your mouth is nearly as filthy as your law-breaking penis.

STORMONT: The state would now like to call Special Agent Nora Smith to the stand.

SHERIFF: Miss Smith, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Jev and Prophet?

SMITH: I do.

JUDGE: You may examine your witness, Mr. Stormont.

STORMONT: Special Agent Smith, did you engage in lewd sexual acts with Mr. Lincoln V upwards of thirty separate times?

SMITH: Indeed.

STORMONT: And was Mr. Lincoln in a confirmed monogamous married relationship with his wife at the time of these dalliances?

SMITH: He was.

STORMONT: So you conducted an affair with Mr. Lincoln V as part of the broader Focus on the Family special unit known as Lustful Ladies?

SMITH: I did.

STORMONT: So, if what you say is true, Mr. Lincoln is a philandering wastrel of the highest order?

SMITH: We conducted an affair, yes.

STORMONT: (VISIBLE FRUSTRATION) Is Mr. Lincoln V a philandering wastrel?

SMITH: I... I... I love him.

COMMOTION

STORMONT: You what? What the devil do you mean?

SMITH: No one... No one has ever made love to me like Abe. No one. His warm words, his soft lips. Ugh. Enough to make a woman melt.

STORMONT: That will be ALL, Ms. Smith!

JUDGE: No, Mr. Stormont. Let her speak her mind. Go on, Special Agent Smith.

SMITH: The Pinnacle prowess of his Lincoln Log... It's indescribable. No man before or since has been so gifted in his manhood.

JUDGE: Do go on, Miss Smith. How would you describe his manhood? Is he hooded or fixed? Uh, just for the record.

***


Abraham Aaron Lincoln V sat dumbfounded as his former lover proceeded to tell Judge Fink, the Supreme Justiciar of the Republican Union, everything there was to know about his anatomy and capabilities. It would be comedy if his neck wasn't on the line. All the same, he felt rather proud of the legendary yarn Special Agent Smith was spinning. Even if this was the unjust end of the line, people would know about the size of his manhood in detail. He smiled at that thought.

He hated Fink. The man was obsessed with him, and had been for years, and seemed fascinated by every unnecessary lurid detail of his sex life. Abe wished he could just stand up from his seat, rush the bench, and strangle the portly man with his own robes. If this was the end of the line, he might as well. There was no way Fink and his lackey lawyer Stormont were going to let him out of this one. This was, in all likelihood, the end of the road for Abe V. He sighed and put his head in his hands.

Just then, a loud commotion came from the back of the courtroom. The huge oak doors had swung open violently, the aged, out-of-shape RUMP officers who had been standing guard were thrown to their knees and left grasping for their sidearms in surprise. A tall, thin blonde man in a dark blue overcoat pulled a service pistol out and aimed it at them. "Wouldn't do that, boys."

Abe V recognized that man and his voice anywhere. It was Ryan Hendrick, the glamorous golden boy of Kissimmee. And coming up behind him were several dozen ORRA troopers in full combat gear, white puttees contrasting with the dull blue of their uniforms, their boots clicking against the marble floor as they charged in, weapons ready. The thirty or so observers and press in the courtroom were ducking behind their seats in terror at the powderkeg situation unfolding before them. The other RUMP officers in the courtroom, including the Sheriff and two goons behind the bench, drew their own revolvers and leveled them at Hendrick and his men. Stormont threw himself behind a partition like the coward he was.

"What in the hell is going on here?" barked Judge Fink. "How dare you ruffians interrupt the legal proceedings of the highest court in the land?!"

"I am ORRA Chief Cultural Officer Ryan Hendrick, and me and my men are acting on authority of the highest power in the land to stop these proceedings at once. This miscarriage of justice is a disgrace to the bench, Fink!" Hendrick shouted as he quickly marched down the center aisle toward the judge as if there weren't RUMP men aiming revolvers at him.

"President Steele has never and would never stop F.O.T.F.A. judicial affairs, nor does ORRA have power over the Supreme Justiciar! Now out of this courtroom before I put you on trial, Hendrick!"

"You're gonna make me do the thing, aren't you?" Hendrick asked in an overly-sad, mock-exhausted tone. He casually lowered his pistol, pulled a cigarette out from behind his (rather large) ear, and lit it with a lighter from Stormont's desk. Sighing, he took a long drag.

Every vein in Fink's plump face was pulsing, his skin a beat, enraged red. "Do what thing, Hendrick?!"

Hendrick sighed again, turned around on his heels, and smiled a frustrated smile at Abe V, as if saying, without so many words, "Get a load of this moron, Abe." Wheeling back around, he locked eyes with Special Agent Smith, said, "The thing," winked his right eye at her, and before anyone knew what was happening, Judge Fink's brains were splattered all over the bench. A smoking pistol, previously hidden in the sleeve of Smith's sweater, retracted back in. The RUMP boys shakily dropped their pistols and raised their hands. Hendrick walked up, squinting as if to comically make sure Fink was dead, and then snuffed out his cigarette on the balding pate of the dead man. Then, he turned to Abe V and said, "Abraham Aaron Lincoln the Fifth! Long time no see. I trust you are well. The President has need of you."

"President Steele needs me?" Abe asked, raising an eyebrow. He saw a terrified Stormont gasping for air behind his partition, ogling the deceased Supreme Justiciar.

"Something like that like," Hendrick smiled. "Let us be on our way, out of prying eyes and ears."

What Lincoln learned as he was briefed on the way out of the building was shocking. President Steele had passed away at last, leaving the country to his son-in-law, Chuck Oswald. Chuck and Abe had partied together numerous times and were even pen pals of a sort, and so this made his rescue from the mockery of justice make more sense. What shocked him most of all, though, was what he was told as he was hurtled into a blacked-out roadster. "We were gonna just send Fink into exile, but Chuck said if he gave us too much trouble to make an example out of him. Anyway, yeah, Chuck wants you to be the new Supreme Justiciar. He's going to address the country in hours, and he wants you there in full robes to lend legitimacy to the whole thing. You're a popular guy, you know? So what do you say, Abe?"

Abe gazed out the window at the Philadelphia skyline and smiled. Victory from the jaws of defeat. The Lincoln family was marching back to the forefront of history. "Oh, I'm definitely in."

chuck-2.jpg
"You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? He's done worse. That billboard! Are you telling me that a man just happens to fall like that? No! *He* orchestrated it! Abe! He *hugged* and *kissed* with women of the night! And I saved him! And I shouldn't have. I took him into my own firm! What was I *thinking*? He'll never change. He'll *never* change! Ever since he was 9, *always* the same! Couldn't keep his hands out of the cash drawer! But not our Abe! Couldn't be precious Abe! Stealing them blind! And *HE* gets to be the Supreme Justiciar? What a sick joke! I should've stopped him when I had the chance!"
 
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