Lands of Red and Gold Interlude #10: A Most Orthodox Christmas
This instalment gives a flavour of how another history might view a more obscure piece of AH.com culture. This chapter is in time for Christmas; that is, Orthodox Christmas. As with all special posts, this should not be treated in an overly serious manner.
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Taken from intell.allohistory.com
Allohistory.com: The Series was an episodic series, officially weekly but in practice by a timeframe known as Whenever the Writers and Editors Get Something Finished. The series followed the meanderings of the Nulliverse Exploration Ship Allohistory.com and its mostly-dysfunctional crew, as they ventured between alternative universes.
Under the command of Brother Uno, the ship and its crew often fought the Fishers, that is, when the crew were not fighting each other. The crew’s explorations were bound by a slightly modified version of the Time Directive:
“No reference, identification or explanation of ship or mission to the mono-universally aware. No interference with the social development of any alternative universe. No references to multiversal space or the fact that that there are civilizations in other timelines. These restrictions are absolute unless they hinder the crew from obtaining porn, booze or just having fun.”
Allohistory.com: The Series was originally created by Pasture, but was expanded by many writers and optimistic contributors over the last few years. Various spin-off series were often talked about, but like an Aururian meet-up, never seemed to come to fruition.
Crew Members of the NES Allohistory.com
BROTHER UNO – Ship commander, whenever he can be bothered. Often nicknamed “Number One” [1]. Possessed of incredible charisma, he would have the pick of otherworldly women on different timelines, if not for LADY POTTER’s tendency to catch his eye at the appropriate moment, while casually holding some pruning shears or similar gardening implement, while murmuring “I hope you’re pleased with yourself.” Not noted for skill with conventional weapons, but has the unerring ability to convert everyday objects into weapons at need, even if the damage they inflict is mostly psychological. Keeps a journal of his daily life [2], the Liber Mortivita. Ship’s rumours are that any mere mortal who opens the Liber will find their skin shrivelling at the touch, and that anyone other than Br. Uno who reads more than a few lines will die screaming. No-one knows if this is actually true, but so far no-one has been keen to find out, either.
PIPER – Overly ambitious ship first mate. Often nicknamed Number Two, to his good-natured disgust, or Brother Dos to the multilingual. Wears an eye patch, perhaps as a fashion statement or to look more like a pirate, since he has two perfectly functional eyes. Catchphrase: whenever given a compliment, he responds: “Is that good enough to get me promoted?”
CALCULATION MACHINE – Ship computer (allegedly). Capable of making the most advanced computations of any artificial thinking machine in existence – in its own words, as smart as 6000 difference engines. Notoriously temperamental, and will abuse crew members it dislikes, or make them lodge any questions via punch cards or in pure binary. Catchphrase: “It doesn’t work that way, tyllau tin.”
Has peculiar obsessions, such as mocking all republicans, and criticising any timeline that the ship visits which does not have a unitary British Isles. Do not, under any circumstances, refer to an Irish-centred pan-Celtic movement in Calculation Machine’s presence. Once when the ship visited a timeline where Ireland and Brittany were united, Calculation Machine locked down the ship completely and refused to let anyone out for three weeks. The ship’s crew once started abbreviating its name to Calmac, but this merely meant that it became obsessed with a united Scandinavia rather than the British Isles, so they went back to calling it by its full name.
TULLY – Ship pilot. Hails from, well, that’s a good question, really. Continuity is not always a virtue when writing an episodic series. According to one version of his backstory Tully first joined the ship when his homeland was being overrun by prospectors who had heard rumours of a second gold rush. (Or as some called it, Cali-fornication). According to another version, he is the commander of the forces of an unnamed Grand Duchy. According to yet a third version, he is a Kogung whose hometown is unspecified.
Alarmingly competent most of the time, but as is typical with the series, his level of ability varies depending on the writer and the needs of the plot. Once piloted the ship to conquer North America by accident, although in keeping with the writers’ approach to continuity, this event was never referenced again. Chose the ship mascot, a gray goose, a fact which keeps him in perpetual argument with STRAW MAN.
WERRUNG – Ship co-pilot / morale officer. Originally hails from a backwater part of Durigal, possibly Tarra Borun [Mornington Peninsula, VIC], although he has always been evasive about exactly where he lived or what he did before joining the ship. Tries to achieve inner peace and clarity of thought, and encourages other crew members to do the same, usually without success. Is sometimes accused of trying to use logic, but is usually persuaded not to bother. Cultivates an aura of balance, most of the time, but has a few berserk buttons, particularly any suggestions that chimes should be involved in Christmas.
GUUNAMA – Security chief. Says little, hence is very popular with those Series writers who are uncomfortable with dialogue. Master of all known weapons, except halberds, which by sheer narrative coincidence means Guunama is regularly locked in rooms full of halberds and no other weapons. Takes his name from the end of days (aka the Cleansing) from the ancient Yadji religion, which is a good indication of what happens when he finds a good weapon. Catchphrase: “Want this <gun/cannon/effing big gun/current weapon of choice> to be the last thing you ever see?”
BEENY – Security goon. Always assigned to any planet-based missions, and is almost inevitably the first to die after landing, in a variety of unexpected and sometimes entertaining ways [3]. Fortunately, Beeny learned very quickly that death is not permanent so long as you’re wearing a red shirt, and so is never seen on planetary visits without one.
STRAW MAN – Security goon and Noroonist [emu-ist] priest. Theoretically works as a member of the security crew, but in practice spends more of his time in the Temple of the Holy Noroon (all hail her beak). When not converting other crew members to the true faith, he tries to find timelines where Teegal is part of a unified Aururia. Has a prosthetic leg (and scars in the other) from an unknown war injury, but refuses to admit that his leg is fake.
PASTURE – Security goon and ship mechanic/engineer. While he hails from London, he is actually half-Danish. This would be a useful skill when the ship travels into regions where Danish is spoken, if not for the fact that most of the time the inhabitants of other timelines can mysteriously all communicate in English. Notionally responsible for ship maintenance and engineering, though in practice this usually involves creating the problems rather than fixing them. More time is spent arguing with STRAW MAN and BEENY (until Beeny inevitably dies) about nuances of Noroonism – or about just about anything else. Catchphrase: “You keep using the word radical, but I do not think it means what you think it means.”
JOHANNES CHIMPO – Ship librarian and archivist. A member of the genus Pan, which coincidentally is exactly what you will get hit with if you point out this fact. Excels at finding out all kinds of interesting facts, which are usually obscure and entertaining, though not necessarily helpful for the mission, or relevant to the question asked. Theoretically also responsible for recording the ship’s adventures for later reference [4], though no written evidence has yet been provided to confirm that he has actually kept any records.
Being a non-human anthropoid, Johannes is not strictly capable of much human speech. While perfectly able to communicate in writing if he wishes, whether for reasons of amusement or spite, he prefers just to speak by saying “Jo! Jo!” and expecting crew members to understand what he means. Mostly, they’ve gotten into the habit of understanding him, if only because the alternative is worse.
LADY POTTER – Ship communications. Also doubles as researcher and historian whenever the ship’s crew is having more than the usual trouble in making sense out of JOHANNES CHIMPO. Quick-witted and a logical thinker, which can make her quite out of place when interacting with the typical ship crew member. On one occasion, persuaded Number Two (aka PIPER) to steal Johannes’ mojo, in an effort to force him to speak normally. Alas, he simply started saying “Mojo, mojo” over and over instead, so BR. UNO made Number Two give Johannes back his mojo.
CICI – Ship mechanic [5]. Excellent at repairing all manner of problems on the ship, including improvising with unorthodox materials, or at building new devices needed for ship missions. Seldom seen without holding a tool of some description. Once repaired a leak in the ship’s hull using nothing but Jell-O and a nine-volt battery. But if you value your life, no matter what you do, when you are in her hearing don’t mention the war.
CANG – Ship physicist. Hails from Lancashire. The only crew member who understands multidimensional physics; unfortunately, the other crew members are less capable of understanding him. Uses his knowledge of advanced physics to get the ship and its crew out of many predicaments, although there are lingering doubts as to whether this is by good skill or good fortune. In practice, this means that whenever an enemy plan is foiled, Cang gets the credit, even if it is not obvious how he helped.
ALLOANTHRO – Ship doctor. Originally hails from <CENSORED>. Graduated from <CENSORED> University with degrees in <CENSORED> and <CENSORED>. Has a pet wolf named <CENSORED>. Has more of a graveside manner than a bedside manner, but mercifully is nonetheless masterful at medicating the myriad mysterious maladies manifest in multiversal meandering. Catchphrase: "This won't hurt a bit. Would I lie to you?"
SHAVED APE – Ship cook. Variously claims to hail from Aotearoa, Indus and Aururia, despite none of those lands being noted for the presence of native pongids. Capable of cooking anything that a person asks for, provided that the person asks for spicy sausages. Joined the ship’s crew so that he could search for spicy food throughout the multiverse. Noted for trying any food ever found, particularly if it makes his face go red, eyes water, or in extreme cases breathe a fire hot enough to reignite the ship’s engines. Catchphrase: “Mmmm, spicy.”
CAXTON – Ship cultural attaché. Lives in perpetual hope that the rest of the ship’s crew will never work out that this is a useless non-job like, as he would point out, most politically-appointed roles. Has a habit of reminding the crew of all of the famous people he has met while visiting other timelines, and can consume a limitless amount of alcohol, provided that the alcohol is real ale. Adores Schwenck & Seymour operas, and seeks out their counterparts across timelines. Possesses encyclopaedical knowledge of witenmagemotary and parliamentary trivia. Catchphrase: “But that’s not real ale.”
A_MUNOZ – Ship cartographer. Spends most of his time trying to find a way to render the multidimensional perambulations of the ship’s voyages into an intelligible two-dimensional format. Guards his role as cartographer carefully, and does not welcome any interlopers. As he once remarked: “I owe it to candour and to the amicable relations existing between the ship’s crew members to declare that I should consider any attempt on other crew members’ part to extend their own system to any portions of this ship’s cartographies as dangerous to our peace and safety.” Also noted for confiscating the drawing implements of anyone who produces an allohistorical map with that damned Teegalese border.
DOUBLEALEPH – Ship cat. Possesses an unerring ability to identify any onboard guests who are allergic to cats, and accompany them constantly. For a few episodes, CALCULATION MACHINE was sulking and refused to give access to the ship’s weapon systems, so CICI rewired all of the ship’s guns so that their controls were linked to a ping-pong ball on a string, and DoubleAleph chased the ball so that the guns could fire on targets. Otherwise does very little, but does that very photogenically. Catchphrase: “Screw your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside”.
LOST SHAOLIN – General layabout. Originally joined the crew as a refugee from a timeline where Shaolin monks colonised Saxony, for reasons which no-one has ever fully understood. According to rumour, his true name is Aazeonzaajyutjaan, which may be why he goes by his new moniker. With his old order destroyed, his new mission in life seems to be loaf about life in as much comfort and with as little effort as possible. Appears to possess an inexhaustible supply of blue wine, although he is less inclined to share it with the rest of the crew; perhaps one the reasons that they tolerate him is because they are always looking for ways to steal it.
QUASAR6000 – the ship’s battle computer. Took over the ship once when it felt that the series was in danger of turning too serious. Alas, Quasar6000 spoke only in quips, which made it impossible for the crew to work out what was going on. The crew arranged for CALCULATION MACHINE to take back over through a complicated scheme involving a toothbrush, a fossilised dinosaur egg, a cabbage, a cloned credit card, and the Blacks football team.
Non-Crew Member Main Characters
MONTY – The owner and publican of the Axis Bar, at the centre of the multiverse. Slow to anger, and usually extremely tolerant of the antics and variable-competence of the ship and its crew members. But if he ever gets truly angry, you never want to see him pick up a weapon: no-one ever survives the full monty.
THE LIGHT SCOUNDREL – Bouncer in Axis Bar. Well, mostly a bouncer. (Sometimes they splat.) He has a girlfriend. Once worked as a crew member on board the ship, but chose to leave after too many crew members expressed irritation about his tendency to remain calm under pressure. He has a girlfriend. When not on duty at Axis Bar, he is also the warden of the Pond, where all of the Fishers and other worst villains of the multiverse – okay, the worst who were captured – are kept. (Good thing he enjoys fly fishing.) He has a girlfriend.
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[1] Although the script-writers simply shorten his name to Br. Uno when writing it down.
[2] And death, according to some rumours, though if so, the afterlife has turned into an interesting party.
[3] Except, strangely enough, if the ship goes anywhere on Christmas Day (New Style and/or Old Style).
[4] Although why anyone would want to revisit the typical ship’s adventure is a question which never seems to get answered.
[5] In this allohistory, mechanic has kept its broader nineteenth-century meaning of anyone who is skilled in the use of tools, machinery, or other specialised equipment; it is something of a cross between engineer and artisan.
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Thoughts?