Worst movies/TV shows that never existed

My Teacher is a Dog

Hopeless so-called comedy in which a class finds out that their new teacher is - (wait for it...) - a dog.

And that's it. No amusing talking dog like Brian from Family Guy, no Lassie type character building. Nope. Just 12 episodes of a dog sitting at the front of the class.

A competent show runner could have given us a one off sketch or series of short running joke scenes totalling about 5 or 10 minutes. Instead we have 12 shows whose sole point appears to be reminding us that bringing your dog to work isn't always a good idea.
 

THE KINGFISH

Gone Fishin'
While stopping any war is a noble goal but judging from how bad the other movies of its franchise are , it will probably be the epitome of all the cheesy ww2 Hollywood movies of its time.With Marty doing everything from piloting a heinkel bomber to commandeering a Japanese battleship. Too horrible to contemplate its negative effects on art for generations to come.
Not to mention the even cringier parts were they return to an ATL 1985 like in Part II where apparently technology is stuck at a dieselpunk level and America is frozen in 1930s social mores.
 
A quickie, I wonder why no one else got that same idea as now that I think about it, it becomes way too obvious:

A zombie movie or a zombie survival series where the zombies are stupid but ravenous dirty masses coming into the US across the Southern border. They are real zombies however in that they want to eat all you have, your brains included or they will inject you with their virus so you will become one of them. Soon they have overrun most of the South, however one group of survivors on a mountain in Texas, Colorado or Utah valiantly defends their way of Liberty, Democracy and Apple Pie, even if that means they must kill all other survivors seeking refuge out of fear they might be infected.
 
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Yep, and I imagine that the animated movies of the 1990s, 2000s and onward are unrecognizable from OTL. Most likely no Pixar, definitely no DreamWorks, same goes for Blue Sky and Illumination.

On the other hand, at least Don Bluth is more successful.
I could see DreamWorks still existing & rising from Disney's ashes....
Either way, RIP Walt Disney Animation Studios 1923-1988.
Yep.....
Cuties: The Animated Series. Let that fester in your brains for all eternity.
Oh hell naw...............
My Teacher is a Dog

Hopeless so-called comedy in which a class finds out that their new teacher is - (wait for it...) - a dog.

And that's it. No amusing talking dog like Brian from Family Guy, no Lassie type character building. Nope. Just 12 episodes of a dog sitting at the front of the class.

A competent show runner could have given us a one off sketch or series of short running joke scenes totalling about 5 or 10 minutes. Instead we have 12 shows whose sole point appears to be reminding us that bringing your dog to work isn't always a good idea.
That would sound like a waste.......
 

TheSpectacledCloth

Gone Fishin'
Cuties: The Animated Series. Let that fester in your brains for all eternity.
From which country? French, American or Japanese?

If it's French, the outrage would be roughly equivalent to that of the OTL movie.

If it's American, the uproar would be unprecedented. It would be eviscerated on social media, Republicans would denounce it, there would likely be protests across America, and the creators (and animators) would most definitely get death threats.

But if it's Japanese, it'd be a different story. It'd either become a very controversial OVA anime with gratuitous fanservice, or it becomes a Mary Jane hentai in the same vein as Shoujo Ramune and Shoujo Kyouiku - RE. Either way, it would still certainly garner controversy but the backlash would be considerably less intense.
 
From which country? French, American or Japanese?

If it's French, the outrage would be roughly equivalent to that of the OTL movie.

If it's American, the uproar would be unprecedented. It would be eviscerated on social media, Republicans would denounce it, there would likely be protests across America, and the creators (and animators) would most definitely get death threats.

But if it's Japanese, it'd be a different story. It'd either become a very controversial OVA anime with gratuitous fanservice, or it becomes a Mary Jane hentai in the same vein as Shoujo Ramune and Shoujo Kyouiku - RE. Either way, it would still certainly garner controversy but the backlash would be considerably less intense.
From the Good Ol' US of A. Did I mention it'd be on the Disney Channel? And that it runs for five seasons?
 
From which country? French, American or Japanese?

If it's French, the outrage would be roughly equivalent to that of the OTL movie.
Of course it would...........I could see this studio animating it.....

download (11).jpeg


Look them up yourself. I'm not linking the site at the risk of getting kicked off this forum. Most of their stuff is kinda messed up, kinda like the stuff you'd see on AS or Newgrounds back in the day.
If it's American, the uproar would be unprecedented. It would be eviscerated on social media, Republicans would denounce it, there would likely be protests across America, and the creators (and animators) would most definitely get death threats.
Oh yeah, I could see that happening.....
But if it's Japanese, it'd be a different story. It'd either become a very controversial OVA anime with gratuitous fanservice, or it becomes a Mary Jane hentai in the same vein as Shoujo Ramune and Shoujo Kyouiku - RE. Either way, it would still certainly garner controversy but the backlash would be considerably less intense.
What the fuck???
From the Good Ol' US of A. Did I mention it'd be on the Disney Channel? And that it runs for five seasons?
How could they possibly extend it beyond one season? And Disney's reputation would no doubt be tarnished forever. And American animation would never be the same again.
Drugs. LOOOOTS of drugs.
WHAT THE FUCK????? And THAT would wind up being The Ghost & Molly McGee's replacement???

I need to think about my life choices....
 
While stopping any war is a noble goal but judging from how bad the other movies of its franchise are , it will probably be the epitome of all the cheesy ww2 Hollywood movies of its time.With Marty doing everything from piloting a heinkel bomber to commandeering a Japanese battleship. Too horrible to contemplate its negative effects on art for generations to come.

Not to mention the even cringier parts were they return to an ATL 1985 like in Part II where apparently technology is stuck at a dieselpunk level and America is frozen in 1930s social mores.
We'll have to agree to disagree then lol. I would watch the ever loving hell out of such a film. Piloting a Heinkel or commandeering the Yamato? Sign me right up, take all of my money. As for 'negative effects on art'... come now, that's a bit harsh. I doubt it will turn out any worse than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
 
We'll have to agree to disagree then lol. I would watch the ever loving hell out of such a film. Piloting a Heinkel or commandeering the Yamato? Sign me right up, take all of my money. As for 'negative effects on art'... come now, that's a bit harsh. I doubt it will turn out any worse than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
I agree it’s harsh but we all have our prejudices !
Don’t even get me started on Red Dawn ….
Yea it’s still should be better than Indiana Jones

Grandpa Biff could be Goerings spoiled nephew who is now in charge of Luftwaffe ( leading it to its ruin by 1939) , Marty sabotaging the fuel supply essentially thwarting blitzkrieg ( maybe with manure !)
Then they go to dec 1941
But wait now we they have changed history the attack is happening at a different date …,
Doc Brown, hell he could be the captain of a submarine that torpedoes kido butai before it strikes pearl
While Marty does something destructive at Japans naval HQ
Need some more beverages to think this one through
 
Sonic the Hedgehog (2006): An early attempt at a CGI/live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie, this film takes the place of the Sonic '06 videogame, but still features the same plotlines from the game with Sonic, Shadow, and Silver. As if it didn't get criticized enough for some of the same reasons that the videogame did (the barely consistent plot, Silver and Elise's characters being introduced to the Sonic franchise), the 'cringeworthy' CGI animation and character designs helped with that.
 
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Sonic the Hedgehog (2006): An early attempt at a CGI/live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie, this film takes the place of the Sonic '06 videogame, but still features the same plotlines from the game with Sonic, Shadow, and Silver. As if it didn't get criticized enough for some of the same reasons that the videogame did (the barely consistent plot, Silver and Elise's characters being introduced to the Sonic franchise), the 'cringeworthy' CGI animation and character designs helped with that.
Well, then the CGI must have turned out to have been cringeworthy out of studio incompetence and mismanagement, because 2006-2007 really seemed to be the peak of CGI in cinema, with Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean being the best example.
 
Rapsittie Street Kids: A Bunny's Tale (2003) is a sequel to the infamous Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa. It focuses on Zeke and Lenee's little sister attempting to capture the Easter spirit. Due to its 3-month production time, its quality is about as terrible as the original— in fact, it's even worse, as after the first movie's failure the director Colin Slater could no longer convince any A-list voice actors to join the project, having to recast with amateurs.

(Such a sequel was actually planned.)
 
It 'aint half hot mum. (2019 version)

A robustly politically correct remake of the classic 1970's sit com. Not only was it shorn of all potentially offensive material but according to those who suffered through watching it, it was shorn of any humour. The 10 episode run had such low viewer figures (other than the first half of the first episode) that there are no plans for its release on either DVD or via streaming services. Plans for similar reboots of Dad's Army, Are You Being Served and Hi Di Hi have been shelved indefinateley.
 
It 'aint half hot mum. (2019 version)

A robustly politically correct remake of the classic 1970's sit com. Not only was it shorn of all potentially offensive material but according to those who suffered through watching it, it was shorn of any humour. The 10 episode run had such low viewer figures (other than the first half of the first episode) that there are no plans for its release on either DVD or via streaming services. Plans for similar reboots of Dad's Army, Are You Being Served and Hi Di Hi have been shelved indefinateley.
A reboot of Hi Di Hi?
When I wake screaming at 4.23 this morning it will be your doing!
 
The Super Mario Bros Movie (2023)

When an animated film based of the Super Mario franchise was first announced by both Nintendo and Illumination in a September 2021 Nintendo Direct, fans were livid about both the voice casting and Illuminations participation, given the track record of Illumination. On April 5th 2023, "The Super Mario Bros Movie" premiered and was immediately panned worldwide. The film's excessive use of pop culture references, juvenile humour (fart jokes and unnecessary Minion cameos) and overall lack of faithfulness to its source material was detrimental to the film. Today, it's seen as Nintendo/Illumination's biggest failures and would be hated even more than the 1993 Live-Action Mario film.

(Just a quickie I had in my mind, the Mario Movie ITTL is what would've happened if Illumination had more control over the film's direction)
 

TheSpectacledCloth

Gone Fishin'
(Disclaimer: The following is a fictional, graphic and depressing description of a truly diabolical hentai. I do not endorse any of this and none of this should even be attempted in real life. Go directly to jail if you think otherwise. That being said, this was incredibly fun to write. Even if I get kicked for this, I think it'll be worth it. You have been warned.)

Gakkō no Kyūtīzu (Japanese: 学校のキューティーズ) (2021)

Gakkō no Kyūtīzu (Or School Cuties in English) is a Japanese hentai series produced by Mary Jane. The series is a Japanese retelling of the French film Mignonnes (or its more infamous name Cuties), with additional focus on Buddhist culture, Thai culture, racism and (obviously) sex. And it's considered to be a sequel series to the notorious 2016 hentai series Shoujo Ramune, since it features all of the main characters from that hentai alongside the new protagonist "Chen Ayako". It consists of six episodes and it later spawned a 2022 computer game produced by Tanuki Soft, which had previously produced the 2015 Shoujo Ramune game that was later adapted into the hentai.

Episode 1 introduces Chen Ayako, a neurotic Thai-Japanese middle school girl, who comes from a conservative Buddhist family. Ayako is looked down on and shunned by most of her peers for her brown skin and thick eyebrows. Her pitiful social life is further compounded by her very strict parents enforcing heavy boundaries on their daughter and expecting her to consistently get straight As (sound familiar?). Eventually, the aforementioned factors push Ayako to consider suicide. But as she leaves the school to go through with her plan, she is stopped by a trio of girls (originally from Shoujo Ramune): Adachi Tenka, Sayama Chie and Komako Semenovich. They notice her depressed look and they each call her pretty, in their own way. This shocks Ayako greatly, as she had never been complemented like that before.

The girls convince her to join their after-school dance club, managed by Tachikawa Kiyoshi (the central character from Shoujo Ramune). Kiyoshi thinks Ayako could be the perfect fit for the new dance quartet he's setting up, but he wants to see if she has what it takes. So while the other girls practice, Kiyoshi has Ayako dance for him alone. She's sluggish at first, but he is able to determine that she has low self-esteem. So he gives her complements, which brightens her spirits and she dances with more enthusiasm. He then directs her to do more lewd moves and then asks her to do them while naked, which she does with increasing hesitancy (this is where shit goes south). He then walks over and precedes to touch her body. She is initially very resistant to it, but finds herself soothed by his praises and is persuaded to do a multitude of sex acts with him (I warned you, didn't I?).

This goes on until its time for the girls to go home, and Kiyoshi tells her that she is now officially in the club. Ayako doesn't tell the other girls about her experience but it's heavily implied (and factual) that they all had similar experiences with Kiyoshi. She goes home and vaguely tells her parents that she's joining a dance club, which they accept because they've wanted her to take an extracurricular for a while. The episode ends with Ayako in bed with a whirlwind of emotions in her mind before choosing to pleasure herself to sleep, happy that she found a 'new meaning of life' (this shit gets dark, but what do you expect from a Cuties adaption?).

Episode 2 has the girls begin dancing as a collective unit, and they gradually begin to incorporate the lewder moves. Unbeknownst to them, Kiyoshi is watching the practice from his office while beating his meat (he may be accommodating, but he's still a sick man). This particular episode covers Ayako's relationship with Chie. Chie warms up to Ayako very quickly, and even stands up to the latter's bullies one day. Ayako is very grateful for this and Chie manages to convince her to eat sugary treats (ice pops, yogurt, etc) with her new friend, telling her that its okay to break the rules as long as you're sneaky about it. Ayako decides to invite Chie to her house while the parents are away at a PTA meeting. They make a red velvet cake and then eat it together before engaging in passionate sex (its a lolicon hentai) in the living room. Afterwards, they successfully clean up the mess and Chie is able to leave just before Ayako's parents come back home. The episode ends with Ayako, tired but happy, touching herself in the shower (this is vanilla as the series will get).

Episode 3 has the girls finalize their provocative dance routine while Kiyoshi watches on with increasing approval. He tells them to get ready because they'll soon be performing for a live audience for the first time as a group. This particular episode covers Ayako's relationship with Komako. Komako sympathizes with Ayako because she too is considered a foreigner (she's half Russian), and they both are increasingly targeted by the other students. They decide to sneak into a secluded waterfall and bathe together, where they both reminisce about their relationship with Chie. Ayako considers herself ugly, but Komako assures her that she is very pretty. They then engage water intercourse (this is becoming a trend) before deciding to head home. But on the way, they are assaulted by a group of bullies who call them ethnic slurs and flip up their skirts to take pictures of their panties before preceding to post them online. Ayako, fed up with the torment, consoles Komako before heading home. She tells her parents what happened, but they tell her to suck it up and deal with it. The episode ends with Ayako sneakingly stealing her mother's phone to snap a picture of her genitals and post them online (this disgusting shit happened in the movie btw).

Episode 4 has the girls prepare for their first live performance, but there's a problem. Ayako's picture had circulated across the school, and the other students are even more derogatory towards her. One boy starts to beat on her until Tenka violently knocks him out with a punch. Ayako's parents viciously scold her for this transgression, but they ignore the suggestion of the school psychologist that their daughter should undergo therapy. Instead, they subject her to a brutal Buddhist exorcism ceremony (this'll get the Buddhists in an uproar, and yes, this despicable act resembles that scene from the movie). Ayako is shaken up by the experience and has second thoughts about performing, but Tenka (who is the main singer) passionately tells her that she is a valuable member of the group and that she will always be their friend. They then make out and sneak into a outhouse to have sex (you knew this was coming) before their big performance. When the time comes, all 4 girls sing and dance in lewd unison to an audience of mixed reception. The episode ends with Ayako feverishly pleasuring herself on sitting on a toilet and eating candy (oh, its going to get worse).

Episode 5 shows that time has passed over a few months, and the girls have performed multiple shows in Japan up to this point. Ayako has to go with her parents on a trip to Bangkok, Thailand. But Kiyoshi has brought the other girls on the same flight (not a coincidence) for their first (hopefully only) overseas performance in Pattaya. Ayako is left by her parents in an apartment while they go on a business trip, but Kiyoshi picks her up and takes her along with the other girls in a rented van for the drive to Pattaya. During the drive, Ayako opens up about her earlier struggles and her suicide plan before meeting the girls, telling them they are the best thing that ever happened to her. As the 4 girls tearfully embrace, Kiyoshi fiendishly has everything in motion. They all arrive in Pattaya (the capital of sex tourism) and they hold the biggest show they've ever performed (Thailand is going to be furious). They pull out all the stops for their audience of depraved sex tourists of multiple nationalities (they're all ugly bastards).

After the performance, Kiyoshi treats the girls to a delicious buffet inside the van and he persuades them to celebrate by 'having fun' with each other and with him. But before they can begin, a knocking is heard in the van and Kiyoshi discovers that some of the sex tourists have tracked him and the girls to the van. They beg him to join in the action, which he refuses yet he allows them to watch from outside in exchange for a fee (told you he was sick). So Kiyoshi precedes to have a gratuitous orgy with the four girls while a bunch of ugly bastards aggressively stroke it from outside (this feels awfully like a Aristocrats joke without the punchline). When the action is finished, the sex tourists demand that they have a piece of the girls and they start banging on the van. Kiyoshi (having some semblance of a soul) drives off away from them and back towards Bangkok. The girls calmly reflect on their experience while Kiyoshi is anxiously driving. But when he makes it back to Bangkok, he discovers that Ayako's parents have already come home.

Episode 6 has the parents discover what their daughter has been actually doing, and they are apoplectic with rage (first thing they've done right). The police had already been called and they're on their way. Kiyoshi and Mr. Chen engage in a bloody fight while Mrs. Chen demands for her daughter to step out of the van, which she angrily refuses to do. While Ayako vents to her mother about her awful childhood, Kiyoshi gains the upper hand over Mr. Chen and viciously beats him to death. Mrs. Chen is distraught over this and screams for help, but Kiyoshi just snaps her neck. The girls, particularly Ayako, are understandably traumatized over the ordeal, but that's when the police arrive. Kiyoshi (probably thinking a pair of murder charges is much more preferable to being charged with dozens of sex crimes against minors, and he'd be right to think that) accepts his fate and surrenders to the Thai authorities.

Kiyoshi and the girls are extradited back to Japan on two separate flights. The girls decide to lie about their sexual experiences with him (so that they won't be separated), and make up a story about how he just snapped and killed Ayako's parents in the heat of the moment. Kiyoshi is sentenced to 25 years in prison for the murder of Mr. and Mrs. Chen (and nothing of value was lost!). Sayama Yuuko (Chie's mother) decides to adopt Ayako, and the young girl is given the therapy that she needs. Despite everything that happened (they all had to go to a new school, yet they were able to stay together), the 4 girls vow to remain friends and their bond is stronger than ever. By the beginning of summer, Ayako was finally at peace with herself. While she's still looked down on for her skin color and eyebrows, she is able to endure it with a far more healthy support system and with the help of her dear friends. After the school year is over, the 4 girls get treats from the candy store that Kiyoshi used to run. Then, as a figurative middle finger to their past strife, they break into their old school (that's closed for the summer) and they have one last sex scene with each other in what used to be their classroom (a messed up, yet cathartic, way to end this disaster).

Gakkō no Kyūtīzu received a very mixed reaction from the regular hentai consumers. While the animation and emotional scenes were praised, it was criticized for being too depressing, focusing too much on Ayako's struggles because of her skin and for incorporating any element from the universally reviled Cuties when it could've been much better off doing its own thing. The hentai was lambasted by some western outlets, but the outrage was considerably more muted than it was Cuties. Speaking of which, the series was also condemned by Maïmouna Doucouré (writer and director of Cuties) for bastardizing her movie and turning it into an "exploitative and melodramatic porno", and then she was subsequently eviscerated on social media for her incomprehensible hypocrisy.

However, Gakkō no Kyūtīzu garnered controversy for far more serious reasons. Firstly, it was condemned by the Japanese media for making them look racist, which they feared would potentially affect tourism numbers. Secondly, the Japanese Buddhist community (and Buddhists in general) were offended at the callous portrayal of Ayako's parents and for the exorcism scene. But there was no outrage that was more felt than that of the government of Thailand. They were horrified at the portrayal of both the Buddhists and Pattaya, which they felt put Thailand itself in a very bad light and that it could plummet their tourism. The Thai government blamed both the Japanese government and Mary Jane for the transgression, and they demanded a public apology.

Mary Jane issued a statement defending themselves on the portrayal of race and of Ayako's parents, but they would profusely apologize for the exorcism scene and especially to the Thai government. The Japanese government would issue a similar apology to their Thai counterpart and even made a rare apology of dragging them into WWII (wouldn't an easy thing for them to admit). While both governments would reconcile, Thailand would subsequently take a much stronger stance of stamping any form of underage prostitution in the country, and would start cracking down on Pattaya's sex industry. The Philippines and Cambodia would take similar action in their own respective countries because they didn't want suffer the same embarrassment (at least some good came from this travesty).

Overall, Gakkō no Kyūtīzu is a horrifyingly controversial hentai that is reviled by many for very understandable reasons (Not as hated as Cuties, but its still notorious). Even in the hentai community, it's considered taboo for a variety of reasons. Despite that, it has garnered itself a cult following. A lot of hentai fans consider the story to be very disturbing, yet also captivating and well-written (except for when it was directly mirroring Cuties). The animation received its fair dues for being top notch, and Mary Jane's reputation would rebound despite causing a regional incident. Even the character of Ayako herself was praised for being multi-layered, having great emotional chemistry with the other girls (Chie, Komako and Tenka) and for tackling the delicate issue of colorism in Japanese society. And yet despite these positives, it still can't change the fact this hentai is always going to remain infamous (and for very good reason). And it primarily stems from the fact that it took inspiration from a film (Cuties) that should've never been made.

(That took a while to write, but low and behold! I'd genuinely like to see someone try and top this sickening trainwreck. Thank you so much for reading! Peace out!)
 
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