No W-An Alternate 2000s TL
- Thread starter Lost Freeway
- Start date
- Status
Only our beloved President Santorum would pass up a great "bringing home the troops" moment to instead make a vague and mysterious comment about "more pressing theaters".
Lost Freeway
Banned
TRANSCRIPT OF AIR CANADA FLIGHT 1910 CVR, APRIL 20, 2006
CAM-1=Voice of Captain
CAM-2=Voice of First Officer
PA=Voice of Flight Attendant
ATC=Voice of Air Traffic Control
00:08:10 CAM-1: So, A girl is on a Southwest Airlines flight with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother. The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"
*laughter*
00:08:35: CAM-2: And when she got home, she was arrested by the FBI for corruption of a minor.
00:08:48: CAM-1: You really think the American government would do that?
00:09:00: CAM-2: Why wouldn't they? The US government under Santorum is starting to get a little loopy.
*sound of explosion in passenger cabin*
00:09:06: CAM-2: What the hell?
*sound of horizontal stabilizer-in-motion chime*
00:09:10: CAM-2: Why is it climbing?
00:09:14: CAM-1: push it down.
00:09:20: CAM-2: I'm pushing the sidestick as far forward as it'll go but the nose won't go down.
00:09:25: CAM-1: Shit. Okay, try the throttles. Maybe if we reduce engine thrust, it'll stop the climb. Otherwise, the plane will stall and drop like an anvil.
*sound of throttle levers being pulled back.*
00:09:30: CAM-2: What do you know, it's working.
*sound of call button*
00:09:36: PA: Sir, we've had an explosion in the back of the cabin. Three passengers are dead and several more are seriously injured.
00:09:45: CAM-1: Okay. Listen, the plane's being a little... uncooperative right now. You do your best to attend to the wounded passengers.
00:09:52: PA: We will.
00:10:00: CAM-1: Alright, we've arrested the climb. Now we've gotta get to the nearest airport. We'll go for Boise.
00:10:10: CAM-2: Sounds good. *sound of grunting* Oh shit.
00:10:17: CAM-1: Now what?
00:10:24: CAM-2: I'm pushing the right rudder pedal as far as it'll go but the plane won't respond.
00:10:35: CAM-1 : Damn it, looks like rudder's knackered too. What do we have?
00:10:43: CAM-2: Well, at least the ailerons are still functioning.
00:10:50: CAM-1: Thank God. That makes us 25% less boned.
00:10:59: CAM-2: We could still use the engines to turn.
00:11:05: CAM-1: Alright then. *To Boise ATC* Boise, this is Air Canada 1910, declaring Mayday. We've had an explosion on board and now our plane's just barely controllable. We're gonna need to land ASAP.
00:11:10: ATC: Affirmative, Air Canada. State of number of souls on board.
00:11:15: CAM-1: 77, Boise. It was 80, but three were killed by the blast.
00:11:20: ATC: Alright, we'll get emergency services to treat the survivors.
00:11:26: CAM-2: Survivors of the cabin explosion, or survivors of the impending crash-landing?
00:11:31: CAM-1: Don't say that. As long as we don't fuck it up, we should be able to bring it down safely. *Over PA system* This is your captain speaking. Right now, we've sort of got the plane under control and are heading for Boise. Please remain in your seats and do not panic. We will be on the ground as soon as possible.
*sound of right throttle lever being advanced*
00:12:00: CAM-2: Okay, I've got it turning right now. Bit of resistance, though.
00:12:10: CAM-1: As long as it's still responding.
00:12:45: CAM-2: And now going straight.
00:14:00: CAM-1: *To cabin* What's the situation in the back?
00:14:10: PA: Rows 25 and 26 are a mess. There's blood and body parts scattered everywhere.
00:14:20: CAM-1: Goddamn. What was the source of the explosion?
00:14:28: PA: *deep breath* 15 minutes ago, a man seated in Row 25 suddenly stood up, yelled "Allah Akbar!" and-exploded.
00:14:35: CAM-1: Well shit. Have any more passengers died?
00:14:40: PA: No sir. One of our passengers, a paramedic, has volunteered to help.
00:14:45: CAM-1: Good. You keep up what you're doing. We'll do our best to get this plane on the ground.
*25 minutes later*
00:40:00: ATC: Okay, Air Canada 1910, you are cleared to land on Runway 28 Left.
00:40:10: CAM-1: Affirmative, Boise.
00:40:16: ATC: Godspeed, 1910.
00:40:20: CAM-1: We appreciate it, Boise.
00:40:25: CAM-2: Alright, give me flaps.
00:40:30: CAM-1: Flaps and slats down. *to cabin* This is your captain speaking. We are in the early stages of preparing for landing.
The Next morning...
"An Air Canada flight on a red-eye flight from Los Angeles to Calgary had a brush with disaster when a passenger detonated a bomb he had smuggled on board. Air Canada Flight 1910, an Airbus A320, was forced to make an emergency landing in Boise. Remarkably, the flight crew managed to land the plane safely, even though the blast had damaged the systems responsible for transmitting the pilots' control inputs to the control surfaces in the tail. Besides the suicide bomber, two passengers were killed and eight were seriously injured. The FBI has launched an investigation."
Sheppard Smith, Fox News.
CAM-1=Voice of Captain
CAM-2=Voice of First Officer
PA=Voice of Flight Attendant
ATC=Voice of Air Traffic Control
00:08:10 CAM-1: So, A girl is on a Southwest Airlines flight with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother. The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"
*laughter*
00:08:35: CAM-2: And when she got home, she was arrested by the FBI for corruption of a minor.
00:08:48: CAM-1: You really think the American government would do that?
00:09:00: CAM-2: Why wouldn't they? The US government under Santorum is starting to get a little loopy.
*sound of explosion in passenger cabin*
00:09:06: CAM-2: What the hell?
*sound of horizontal stabilizer-in-motion chime*
00:09:10: CAM-2: Why is it climbing?
00:09:14: CAM-1: push it down.
00:09:20: CAM-2: I'm pushing the sidestick as far forward as it'll go but the nose won't go down.
00:09:25: CAM-1: Shit. Okay, try the throttles. Maybe if we reduce engine thrust, it'll stop the climb. Otherwise, the plane will stall and drop like an anvil.
*sound of throttle levers being pulled back.*
00:09:30: CAM-2: What do you know, it's working.
*sound of call button*
00:09:36: PA: Sir, we've had an explosion in the back of the cabin. Three passengers are dead and several more are seriously injured.
00:09:45: CAM-1: Okay. Listen, the plane's being a little... uncooperative right now. You do your best to attend to the wounded passengers.
00:09:52: PA: We will.
00:10:00: CAM-1: Alright, we've arrested the climb. Now we've gotta get to the nearest airport. We'll go for Boise.
00:10:10: CAM-2: Sounds good. *sound of grunting* Oh shit.
00:10:17: CAM-1: Now what?
00:10:24: CAM-2: I'm pushing the right rudder pedal as far as it'll go but the plane won't respond.
00:10:35: CAM-1 : Damn it, looks like rudder's knackered too. What do we have?
00:10:43: CAM-2: Well, at least the ailerons are still functioning.
00:10:50: CAM-1: Thank God. That makes us 25% less boned.
00:10:59: CAM-2: We could still use the engines to turn.
00:11:05: CAM-1: Alright then. *To Boise ATC* Boise, this is Air Canada 1910, declaring Mayday. We've had an explosion on board and now our plane's just barely controllable. We're gonna need to land ASAP.
00:11:10: ATC: Affirmative, Air Canada. State of number of souls on board.
00:11:15: CAM-1: 77, Boise. It was 80, but three were killed by the blast.
00:11:20: ATC: Alright, we'll get emergency services to treat the survivors.
00:11:26: CAM-2: Survivors of the cabin explosion, or survivors of the impending crash-landing?
00:11:31: CAM-1: Don't say that. As long as we don't fuck it up, we should be able to bring it down safely. *Over PA system* This is your captain speaking. Right now, we've sort of got the plane under control and are heading for Boise. Please remain in your seats and do not panic. We will be on the ground as soon as possible.
*sound of right throttle lever being advanced*
00:12:00: CAM-2: Okay, I've got it turning right now. Bit of resistance, though.
00:12:10: CAM-1: As long as it's still responding.
00:12:45: CAM-2: And now going straight.
00:14:00: CAM-1: *To cabin* What's the situation in the back?
00:14:10: PA: Rows 25 and 26 are a mess. There's blood and body parts scattered everywhere.
00:14:20: CAM-1: Goddamn. What was the source of the explosion?
00:14:28: PA: *deep breath* 15 minutes ago, a man seated in Row 25 suddenly stood up, yelled "Allah Akbar!" and-exploded.
00:14:35: CAM-1: Well shit. Have any more passengers died?
00:14:40: PA: No sir. One of our passengers, a paramedic, has volunteered to help.
00:14:45: CAM-1: Good. You keep up what you're doing. We'll do our best to get this plane on the ground.
*25 minutes later*
00:40:00: ATC: Okay, Air Canada 1910, you are cleared to land on Runway 28 Left.
00:40:10: CAM-1: Affirmative, Boise.
00:40:16: ATC: Godspeed, 1910.
00:40:20: CAM-1: We appreciate it, Boise.
00:40:25: CAM-2: Alright, give me flaps.
00:40:30: CAM-1: Flaps and slats down. *to cabin* This is your captain speaking. We are in the early stages of preparing for landing.
The Next morning...
"An Air Canada flight on a red-eye flight from Los Angeles to Calgary had a brush with disaster when a passenger detonated a bomb he had smuggled on board. Air Canada Flight 1910, an Airbus A320, was forced to make an emergency landing in Boise. Remarkably, the flight crew managed to land the plane safely, even though the blast had damaged the systems responsible for transmitting the pilots' control inputs to the control surfaces in the tail. Besides the suicide bomber, two passengers were killed and eight were seriously injured. The FBI has launched an investigation."
Sheppard Smith, Fox News.
Last edited:
It's because lost decided not to put a space between the colon and the text.
When was the FBI's mandate expanded to policing dirty jokes? Can we please get Frothy out of the Oval Office before he creates an official morality police?
Last edited:
Lost Freeway
Banned
GAH.
Don't worry, I fixed it.Rest assured, the first officer was just using gallows humor.
At least the pilots were able to get the plane on the ground safely.
Last edited:
Lost Freeway
Banned
SANTORUM: So let me get this straight, this guy was able to smuggle his bomb on board the plane by hiding it in his rectum?
ASHCROFT: That appears to be the case.
SANTORUM: That is seriously messed up.
ASHCROFT: Indeed.Though I'd assume you'd have plenty of experience with shoving objects up your anus.
SANTORUM: What was that?
ASHCROFT: Nothing sir. *clears throat* The crew of Air Canada Flight 1910 are being hailed as heroes for successfully landing a crippled plane.
SANTORUM: Good for them.
ASHCROFT: Unfortunately, another flight wasn't so lucky. Hawaiian Air Lines Flight 396, a Boeing 767 en route from Los Angeles to Honolulu, disappeared over the Pacific at the same time the Air Canada flight's crisis began.
SANTORUM: Well shit.
Conversation between President Santorum and FBI Director Ashcroft, April 20, 2006
ASHCROFT: That appears to be the case.
SANTORUM: That is seriously messed up.
ASHCROFT: Indeed.Though I'd assume you'd have plenty of experience with shoving objects up your anus.
SANTORUM: What was that?
ASHCROFT: Nothing sir. *clears throat* The crew of Air Canada Flight 1910 are being hailed as heroes for successfully landing a crippled plane.
SANTORUM: Good for them.
ASHCROFT: Unfortunately, another flight wasn't so lucky. Hawaiian Air Lines Flight 396, a Boeing 767 en route from Los Angeles to Honolulu, disappeared over the Pacific at the same time the Air Canada flight's crisis began.
SANTORUM: Well shit.
Conversation between President Santorum and FBI Director Ashcroft, April 20, 2006
Knowing @Lost Freeway , Stockwell Day will win over 200 seats and will make Harper's racism look tame.
Deleted member 87099
I had no idea that John Ashcroft was so big of a savage.
Looks more like a tongue in cheek reference to Dan Savage's google bomb regarding Santorum. I'm for the most part in favor of gay rights but Dan Savage is just an asshole.
Lost Freeway
Banned
It is a scientifically proven fact that homophobes spend more time thinking about gay sex than gays themselves.
Last edited:
Oh boy, it's been a while since I last checked... I wonder what has happened!
Well, damn.
Interesting...
Oh s***, another Phillipines 434. Good thing they made it.
I agree with Santorum and Ashcroft on that.
God dammit... They managed to blow up one of the two.
The Canadian Santorum, or Cruz. A religious fundamentalist and Leader of the Reform Party for some time. Got his ass handed to him by Jean Chretien
- Status