Most egregious wanks and screws

[Ultimate Paragon]

What are the most extreme examples of AH-wank and AH-screw you've seen?

 

[Kaiser K]

The Draka is probably the most famous example.

 

[The Red]

'Egregious' might not be the right word as it's very entertaining but A Scotsman in Egypt turns the best wee nation in the world into an intercontinental superpower.

 

[Darth_Kiryan]

'Egregious' might not be the right word as it's very entertaining but A Scotsman in Egypt turns the best wee nation in the world into an intercontinental superpower.

THis makes me want to Play Medieval II again.

Hell, i remember playing the Original Rome long ago and moved all my Julii to constantinople and then just took over the entire East, leaving Europe and the west to the Scipii and Brutii.

 

[Medicus]

What about Turtledove's In the Presence of Mine Enemies? Germany wins WWII, conquers the whole world, and it ends up as a parallel of the Soviet Unions in the late 1980s.

 

[HongCanucker]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

 

[FDW]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

Bah, sanity is for the weak!

 

[The Wookiee]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

I just gouged my eyes out while projectile vomiting. But I feel much better now.

 

[oshron]

yeah, that site sucks it's the one i frequented before discovering AH.com and i've never looked back (well, except to get a reference for one thing i posted there, but that's it)

 

[Saphroneth]

What are the most extreme examples of AH-wank and AH-screw you've seen?

Stars and Stripes.

The British intervene in the Civil War after Trent, get lost, invade the CSA, the CSA and USA patch things up and invade Canada, Canada becomes a US state.
That's book one of three.
Book two is the liberation of Ireland, book three is the liberation of Great Britain.

Utter Britscrew.

 

[WarPlanInfrared]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

I just clicked. Fuck sanity.

EDIT : I've read it. Writing this from a mental asylum.

 

[Ryan]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

 

[Ultimate Paragon]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

My God. It's like the Necronomicon of alternate history timelines.

 

[January First-of-May]

Well, I've read the linked article, and it's a bit weird, but I wouldn't call that a wank. Just a bunch of weird randomness and random weirdness.
If we're counting random weird wanks on that wiki, my current "favorite" is Zheng Dai La Da. It's basically like someone tried to write their own version of Magnum's weird classic The War of the Heaven Mandate, and failed miserably.

 

[Vault boy]

This.

DON'T CLICK ON IT IF YOU WANT TO RETAIN YOUR SANITY.

Read. It's dog-awful. But I've seen worse. I will counter you with this beast. And this other.

Now allow me to huddle in a corner and weep. I feel... soiled. As if I have really commited a grave sin.

 

[NKVD]

The Ultimate Solution by Eric Norden.

Not only is it a huge Nazi wank, but it's so fucking grimdark -- from what I gather; I've never read it -- that it makes Warhammer 40K look like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic by comparison.

The book is written in the form of a police procedural, the protagonist being a New York policeman charged with finding a Jew who is reported to have suddenly appeared in the city decades after all Jews are thought to have been exterminated. (There is a reference to a kind of second Wannsee Conference, held at Buckingham Palace in Nazi-occupied London after the extermination of European Jews had been completed, setting up the extension of the Final Solution to the rest of the world; the last few hundred Jews are mentioned as having been discovered and killed by relentless Einsatzgruppen hunters in 1962, having hidden at the ruins of Angkor Wat in Cambodia). As in our own contemporary timeline, there is a Cold War between the former Axis Powers allies, Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, both of whom have nuclear weapons and are engaged in an arms race akin to that between the United States and Soviet Union in our own timeline.

The society described and taken by the protagonist as normal is as such: Blacks and Slavs being raised at "laboratories" and "farms" where their vocal cords are cut at birth and having the legal status not of slaves but of "domestic animals"; naked Black gladiators fighting to the death at the Madison Square Garden (the Roman "thumbs up" or "down" are modernised into green and red buttons, with a computer making the tally and automatically electrocuting the losing gladiator); children encouraged by TV programs to torture and kill animals; policemen routinely carrying mobile torture kits for "on the spot interrogations" and having the power of extrajudicial execution against "Enemies of the Reich"; body parts of murdered Jews on sale at souvenir shops, with "collectors" trying to have "a complete collection" of samples from all extermination camps; Christianity (and presumably other religions as well) suppressed in favor of Odinist temples.[citation needed] At the time of the plot, following the recent death of Benito Mussolini who had to some degree resisted Nazi policies, the Germans are contemplating "a change in the racial classification of Italians", and North Italians are desperately trying to save themselves by sacrificing "The Sicilian Ayarabs" to the Nazis.

Former extermination camps are open to the public as "national shrines" - not to commemorate the victims, as in our world, but to glorify the murderers and present them as heroes. What we know as the inoffensive town of Croton-on-Hudson is in this world an American Auschwitz where the Jews of New York and the East Coast perished (another camp is mentioned in the Rocky Mountains, for the West Coast). At the entrance to the town, an Elks Club sign proclaims proudly: "Welcome to Croton-on-Hudson, home of the Final Solution! Here perished four million enemies of the Reich." Norden is careful to describe how Nazi doctrine in this world merges with the "American way": a neighboring town whose inhabitants gave refuge to escaping Jews was totally destroyed and its inhabitants massacred, like Lidice; its site was then covered with asphalt and made into a huge parking lot, and later an enormous shopping center was erected on the spot.

In an inversion of the normal conventions of a detective book, the "respectable" society is murderous, but when the protagonist starts digging deeper into the underworld, he discovers, hidden but still there, what we would call decent or even heroic people: first, old men still playing chess at the tables in Washington Square; a former Roman Catholic priest who had once broken under Gestapo interrogation and who dreams of a second chance to die as a martyr (the detective protagonist grants him his wish); a member of the underground, known as "Patties" (from George S. Patton, who together with Douglas MacArthur was executed in the "St. Louis Trials") still carrying on a desperate anti-Nazi fight against all odds; finally the hunted Jew himself, who turns out to be from our own world, having fallen into this nightmare world by the worst of bad fortune. The protagonist finally kills him - not out of anti-Semitism which he does not really feel (he was born when Jews had already become a literally dead issue) but in a kind of "kindness" since sending him on to Berlin would have only exposed him to some torture before being killed.

At the end of Norden's book, as with Philip K. Dick's The Man in the High Castle (1962), the "Cold War" between the Nazis and the Japanese seems ready to turn into World War III. In the power struggle over the legacy of the completely senile Hitler, a putsch overturns the (relatively) moderate faction of Albert Speer, known as "Axists" because they want to maintain the Axis agreements with Japan. Power is seized by Reinhard Heydrich and the most fanatical "Contraxists", who are determined to destroy "the degenerate Yellow Race" even at the price of an all-out nuclear war in which Germany itself would be annihilated. Thus, having presented the reader with this world, and letting the few characters who tried to present even a token and ineffectual resistance all be killed off, Norden ends the book with the entire world about to end.

 

[usertron2020]

Stars and Stripes.

The British intervene in the Civil War after Trent, get lost, invade the CSA, the CSA and USA patch things up and invade Canada, Canada becomes a US state.
That's book one of three.
Book two is the liberation of Ireland, book three is the liberation of Great Britain.

Utter Britscrew.

Oh the horror, the horror. If its any consolation at all, the author is dead, and his most famous work STARTS with the Earth being destroyed, leaving only two human survivors on an alien space station.

That series actually made me seriously embarrassed to be an American. The absolutely worst case of "'Murika, Fuk Yah!" I'd ever encountered.

 

[usertron2020]

The absolutely worst/egregious wanks/screws? The Confederate-wanks + Union-screws in Turtledove's TL-191 series. Fodder for Neo-Confederates (except the later books) to literally wank over. Otherwise, just suspend all belief.

 

[justiyt]

Oh the horror, the horror. If its any consolation at all, the author is dead, and his most famous work STARTS with the Earth being destroyed, leaving only two human survivors on an alien space station.

That series actually made me seriously embarrassed to be an American. The absolutely worst case of "'Murika, Fuk Yah!" I'd ever encountered.

Oh yeah, the guy wrote a bad AH, thank god he's dead.

Really? He wrote a story and now you're ashamed to be American? Jesus Christ...

 

[Simon]

*Ahem*

Warning: May impair sanity if read.