Before Hitler commits suicide, Soviets storm his bunker and capture him alive. He is secreted back to Moscow and thrown into a pen with a horny Russian bear.
Hilarious Ways For Hitler to Die
- Thread starter GlobalHumanism
- Start date
Determined to project an illusion of vegetarianism, Hitler nevertheless now and then succumbs to a need to secretly stuff his face with copious amounts of bratwurst. On one of these occasions he is again eating sausages smuggled into his office by Dr. Morell, alone in a darkened room at the Berghof when something distracts him and he starts choking on a piece of hurriedly eaten sausage. The SS guards outside the office hear his gasping and banging the table with his fist, but are too afraid to go in and interrupt the Führer when he has told them specifically that he is not to be disturbed BY ANYONE at his "important affairs of state". When the guards finally enter the room, the leader of Greater Germany lies dead on his table, his bug-eyed red-blue face resting on a plate of bratwurst, sauerkraut and mustard.
shiftygiant
Gone Fishin'
Whilst visiting England as part of a goodwill tour, proposed by Goebbles as a way of forming a connection with the British following the Czech Agreement, Hitler is invited to play a game of Darts. His dart bounced off the board and, in the most unlikely direction possible, hits him in the jugular, the blood spray surprising Hess and causing him to fall off a balcony where he breaks his neck, slipping Goering up onto an upturned bar stool, and causing Goebbels to faint into the arms of a nearby and shocked Albert Speer. Speer, returning to Berlin, has Darts banned in Germany to the danger it poses, leading to underground dart playing groups.
Curt Jester
Banned
Hitler survives in Argentina, lives to the modern day, becomes addicted to video games, threatens someone on Halo saying 'come to my house and i'll fuck you up!', turns out it's his mother playing against him. She opens a can of whoop-ass on him. He dies in embarrassment when he realizes the mic is still open.
Don't you mean HITlarious ways for Hitler to die?
Anyway, Hitler is caught by Eva Braun cheating on her with Hatsune Miku. This leads to Eva beating the shit out of Dolphy, after which he flees to Japan and becomes Emperor Hirohito's butler. He at some point sneaks a bite of that sushi that can kill you, and dies.
Anyway, Hitler is caught by Eva Braun cheating on her with Hatsune Miku. This leads to Eva beating the shit out of Dolphy, after which he flees to Japan and becomes Emperor Hirohito's butler. He at some point sneaks a bite of that sushi that can kill you, and dies.
After an evening of rather a lot of schnapps, Hitler passes out.
Goering, stoned off his face, has an idea for a legendary prank.
When the very hungover Fuhrer wakes up, he is surprised to find that:
His moustache has been shaved and his hair trimmed.
His clothes do not fit him, and smell rather bad.
He appears to be in some kind of rail wagon used for transporting farm animals.
And there is a yellow Star of David sewn onto his sleeve.
Still, he remains hopeful. He'll just let someone know who he is at the next stop - it looks like they are somewhere in Poland, so presumably the SS will obey their Fuhrer, won't they?
Goering, stoned off his face, has an idea for a legendary prank.
When the very hungover Fuhrer wakes up, he is surprised to find that:
His moustache has been shaved and his hair trimmed.
His clothes do not fit him, and smell rather bad.
He appears to be in some kind of rail wagon used for transporting farm animals.
And there is a yellow Star of David sewn onto his sleeve.
Still, he remains hopeful. He'll just let someone know who he is at the next stop - it looks like they are somewhere in Poland, so presumably the SS will obey their Fuhrer, won't they?
In 1934, just prior to the "Reichsparteitag der Einheit und Stärke" in Nüremberg, the Nazi leadership visits a Bavarian air field to fly in a new transport airplane secretly developed, at Hitler's insistence, also as a bomber with bomb bay doors below the passenger cabin. Hitler's own private pilot is flying the plane, and it is his first time in this new model. Mid-flight somewhere over Nürnberg Hitler complains to the crew that it is too hot in the cabin. The pilot turns a switch to start the brand-spanking new, modern air conditioning. Unfortunately, thanks to an unfortunate engineering snafu caused by the plane's design and production being rushed, it is in fact the switch to open the bomb bay doors.
As a result, Hitler and several members of his entourage, including Goebbels, Himmler and Göring, plummet to their deaths just above the Nazi party rally grounds, Hitler himself getting skewered on a flag pole flying the Nazi flag. The deaths get captured on film by Leni Riefenstahl's film crew, preparing to film the Nazi rally. A copy of this footage later makes its way to the USSR, sent by a spy, and is broadcast openly to the world by a gleeful Joseph Stalin.
As a result, Hitler and several members of his entourage, including Goebbels, Himmler and Göring, plummet to their deaths just above the Nazi party rally grounds, Hitler himself getting skewered on a flag pole flying the Nazi flag. The deaths get captured on film by Leni Riefenstahl's film crew, preparing to film the Nazi rally. A copy of this footage later makes its way to the USSR, sent by a spy, and is broadcast openly to the world by a gleeful Joseph Stalin.
A German soldier, fresh from the East front, comes to Tannenberg on an annual celebration of a victory in WWI. He is given a spiked helmet and asked to join in reenactment. At that moment, Hitler arrives to observe the celebration. A soldier, wearing the spiked helmet, is delighted to see his Fuehrer. In his joy, he forgets the spike on his helmet and rushes to hug Hitler...
There is a fine line between a prank on a world leader and a successful coup. This crosses that thrice.
teg
Somehow, I thought it would only work if Goering had no real clue as to the ramifications of his booze-and-drug-fuelled sophomoric jape. Sort of picturing him and Raeder as Bluto and D-Day in Animal House, carrying a snoring Adolf out to an SS cell...
And then, in the morning, they look at each other and try to remember what happened after Goebbels left to vomit in the sink, and when, slowly, a horrible realization dawns - they swallow nervously look embarrassed, and try to change the subject.
marathag
Banned
The dread Goat of the Alps
https://www.alternatehistory.com/discussion/showthread.php?t=308096
Sie hätten einen job. Ein job! --Hermann Göring to Himmler
https://www.alternatehistory.com/discussion/showthread.php?t=308096
Sie hätten einen job. Ein job! --Hermann Göring to Himmler
Through a quirk of fate (OK, ASB fiat), the Nazi's manage to start developing nuclear weaponry in the late 50's- a spree of sandwich poisonings mean that only one team is left to get the funding, rather than having it spread out like the last margarine in a tub.
Unusually, Hitler doesn't do this because he's too busy building giant silly mega structures, drinking Pina Coladas and wishing he'd gone to war at some point.
The scientists claim to have things down, and an aged Hitler visits the site during the test.
The scientists erroneously believe that the reaction would be self-limiting. In a hilariously fatal accident, they are proven wrong.
Hitler and the visiting Nazi politicians and the sandwich-skipping scientists are irradiated, and despite Morell's professional view that this will turn Hitler into some sort of amazing supermutant, he is of course wrong and Hitler dies.
Unusually, Hitler doesn't do this because he's too busy building giant silly mega structures, drinking Pina Coladas and wishing he'd gone to war at some point.
The scientists claim to have things down, and an aged Hitler visits the site during the test.
The scientists erroneously believe that the reaction would be self-limiting. In a hilariously fatal accident, they are proven wrong.
Hitler and the visiting Nazi politicians and the sandwich-skipping scientists are irradiated, and despite Morell's professional view that this will turn Hitler into some sort of amazing supermutant, he is of course wrong and Hitler dies.
Yuelang
Banned
Der fuhrer is dead, Long Live Fuhrer Goring!
who proceeds to ruin Hermany even more...
shiftygiant
Gone Fishin'
Whilst visiting the front line, a wannabe juggler desires to impress the Fuhrer with his skills. Impressed, Hitler watches him juggle batons and his comrades bayonets, Hitler's hanger on's egging the Juggler on. The Juggler then starts juggling Stick Grenades, but by a sheer accident and slip of the hand, the Juggler accidentally caught the pull cord in the button of his tunic, setting the explosive and it's two others off right in the Fuhrer's face.
Call him Lt. Colonel Frank Slade. Just for fun. And have him dance tango with Eva.
Holy crap, that's both really evil and AMAZING.
Send him to Auschwitz. Let him experience what the Jews had to go through. I still like the goat one though.