Alternate Cinematic Disasters

Euphoria (2019)
Directed by James Smith (aka Sam Levinson) and Ryan Murphy
Written by Sam Levinson

After HBO turned down Sam Levinson's pitch for an American remake of the Israeli miniseries of the same name, Levinson decided to turn it into a "darker and edgier" Fast Times At Ridgemont High. In and of itself, this was not a bad idea, IMO. Teen comedies/dramas have done decently at the box office, and this could have been a good movie, if done right. However, Ryan Murphy (who joined as executive producer and eventual co-director) decided to do a box office version of Glee, which Levinson was not cool with at all (to the point that he took his name off the director credits). As for how it turned out, well, Zendaya, who played Rue, could actually sing, and did a good job--but the rest of the cast was not up to her level. In addition, there was more nudity, drug use, and sexual situations involving teenagers than audiences were comfortable with, and, when you combine all this, it's little wonder the film flopped at the box office (opening it the same weekend as Avengers: Endgame didn't help with this at all). To their credit, the cast largely agreed with those who hated the movie, with Zendaya saying that a non-musical version of the movie likely would have worked (watch her appearance on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon, where she read from bad reviews of the movie).

Nowadays, though, it's seen as a so-bad-it's good movie, in part due to the cast's overacting (Sydney Sweeney and Alexa Demie's staredown during the song "The Boy Is Mine" is a particular highlight) their parts (in various interviews, they admitted they did this because they started realizing that it was going to be a flop). Just a straight-up "darker and edgier" version of Fast Times At Ridgemont High without the music would have likely worked, and I can't say I blame Levinson and the cast for not liking it.

It was nominated for Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Actress (for Zendaya), Worst Supporting Actor (for Jacob Elordi), Worst Supporting Actress (for Sweeney and Demie--Barbie Ferreira managed to get praise for her performance as Kat, and avoided a Razzie nom as a result), Worst Screen Combo (for Any Two People onscreen), Worst Remake, Rip-Off, Or Sequel, and Worst Screenplay, winning for Worst Actress and Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel. Zendaya did accept her award at the Razzies, and her speech is one of the most sarcastic speeches of 2019.
 
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Directed by Ed Wood. Written by Richard O'Brien.

I could, with a lot of effort, perhaps imagine a version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show that would have succeeded as a sort of self-parody with better direction and acting. But why the studio elected to leave it in the hands of Ed Wood, whose resume consisted entirely of obscure zero-budget B-movies, and allow him to cast Jeron King (AKA The Amazing Criswell, best known for failed predictions in his career as a psychic) in the lead role of "Dr. Frank N. Furter," is a mystery that may never be solved. The numerous musical numbers are a debacle of bad choreography, and the plot is mostly inane or incomprehensible (or both), revolving around Furter's attempts to convert his castle into a spaceship that can escape "the big green dragon that lurks on your doorstep" - a monster that is warned of by a character played by Maila "Vampira" Nurmi but which never actually appears. Not helping are the numerous voice-overs, reportedly absent from O'Brien's original script and from the British stage production. At least one of them goes off on a tangent that gives a bad name to tangents, and several others are set to stock footage of animals running across an open field somewhere - supposedly this footage is meant to depict scenes from the Criswell character's home planet, but what they have to do with what passes for a story is never explained. Criswell himself does double-duty: when not hamming it up in the lead role, he also introduces the film as a criminologist from the future who insists that everything seen in the movie is based on "solid facts." (It would later be discovered that some of these motifs, such as the "green dragon" and the narration, are drawn from Wood's work in the 1950s, but none of that would have registered with a 1975 audience that, it's probably safe to assume, had never seen Plan 9 From Outer Space or Glen or Glenda.)

Suffice it to say that I'm not inclined to argue with critic Michael Medved, who deemed this the worst film ever made in 1980.* And if it has a competitor for the title, I'm not sure I want to know about it.

* This is what in fact happened to Plan 9 From Outer Space, which in turn elevated Wood's stature in the public consciousness. As of 1975, Wood still would have been an obscure no-name rather than an infamously incompetent director.
 
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Is no one going to talk about Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4? Aka the film that was built up for months to be (supposedly) the big epic finale film of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man tetralogy, only for it to fall completely flat on its face and wind up ruining the ending of the franchise as a result? I feel like thanks to that film, Tobey Maguire never got a complete redemption as Spider-Man by the fans until his return in Spider-Man: No Way Home, which didn’t come out until over 10 years later.
 
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Is no one going to talk about Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4? Aka the film that was built up for months to be (supposedly) the big epic finale film of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man tetralogy, only for it to fall completely flat on its face and wind up ruining the ending of the franchise as a result? I feel like thanks to that fiom, Tobey Maguire never got a complete redemption as Spider-Man by the fans until his return in Spider-Man: No Way Home, which didn’t come out until over 10 years later.
I actually think that it would be a box office success and critical success and not a cinematic disaster at all
 
Jaws (1975)

Steven Spielberg's anticipated summer blockbuster was derided by critics as schlock, and the public agreed. Audiences were most incredulous when the clueless town mayor kept on insisting that the out-of-control shark did not pose a danger to the populace. Reports of crowds walking out of theaters were the main story. The plot was viewed as ridiculous. During the first weekend, the public also found out through the poor special effects job that Jaws was not a real shark. Made on a $9 million budget, Jaws only grossed $12.5 million and Universal took a loss on its investment. Spielberg's reputation, previously enhanced by his successful hit, The Sugarland Express, took a significant hit. The major movie studios were reluctant to hire him to helm their potential summer blockbusters.
 
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Deleted member 177304

Superman Lives (2001)

Cast:
- Nicholas Cage as Clark Kent/Superman
- Christopher Walken as Braniac/Lex Luthor/Doomsday
- Sandra Bullock as Lois Lane
- Michael Clark Duncan as Jimmy Olsen
- Kelsey Grammar as Perry White
- Courtney Cox as Lana Lang
- Christopher Reeves as Jor-El
- Margot Kidder as Lara Lor-Van
- Alan Rickman as John Kent
- Debra Jo Rupp as Martha Kent

Synopsis: Directed by Tim Burton and Produced by Jon Peters, Superman Lives has gone down as one of the biggest cinematic disasters of all time. It's critical thrashing destroyed the career of Tim Burton, and it's financial failure is often cited as one of the many factors behind Time Warner's eventual sale to Comcast in 2005. From an unintelligible plot (A fever dream climaxing in Nicolas Cage awkwardly punching a cybernetic Christopher Walken hydra, to horrid costume design (The infamous "Super Thong"), to bizarre casting choices (Nicolas Cage as Superman, Michael Clark Duncan as Jimmy Olsen and Alan Rickman as John Kent). the film was universally hated by critics and audiences alike, and of it's one hundred million dollar budget it only made a pitiful eighty million dollars.
 
Superman Lives (2001)

Cast:
- Nicholas Cage as Clark Kent/Superman
- Christopher Walken as Braniac/Lex Luthor/Doomsday
- Sandra Bullock as Lois Lane
- Michael Clark Duncan as Jimmy Olsen
- Kelsey Grammar as Perry White
- Courtney Cox as Lana Lang
- Christopher Reeves as Jor-El
- Margot Kidder as Lara Lor-Van
- Alan Rickman as John Kent
- Debra Jo Rupp as Martha Kent

Synopsis: Directed by Tim Burton and Produced by Jon Peters, Superman Lives has gone down as one of the biggest cinematic disasters of all time. It's critical thrashing destroyed the career of Tim Burton, and it's financial failure is often cited as one of the many factors behind Time Warner's eventual sale to Comcast in 2005. From an unintelligible plot (A fever dream climaxing in Nicolas Cage awkwardly punching a cybernetic Christopher Walken hydra, to horrid costume design (The infamous "Super Thong"), to bizarre casting choices (Nicolas Cage as Superman, Michael Clark Duncan as Jimmy Olsen and Alan Rickman as John Kent). the film was universally hated by critics and audiences alike, and of it's one hundred million dollar budget it only made a pitiful eighty million dollars.
Oh shit I guess this took the place of planet of the apes
 
Rats (2019)

Making Willard into a Broadway musical was an extremely bizarre choice that somehow worked in the late 1970s, no doubt because New Yorkers accepted rat infestations and serial killings as a normal part of life. Trying to recycle it as a big-screen musical extravaganza, some forty years later, went about as poorly as one might expect.
 
Rats (2019)

Making Willard into a Broadway musical was an extremely bizarre choice that somehow worked in the late 1970s, no doubt because New Yorkers accepted rat infestations and serial killings as a normal part of life. Trying to recycle it as a big-screen musical extravaganza, some forty years later, went about as poorly as one might expect.
I see what you did there
 
While I only know of it because of its association with ChrisChan (whose other exploits are too Current Politics to mention here) in OTL, how might one actually turn out?
The mind boggles on how Chris-chan could get anyone interested and involved in getting it done, since, even beyond the obvious problems of "how does the script gets picjed up by anyone?", the premise of a Pikachu-Sonic fusion ruling a land modeled after Chris-chan themselves is not particularily entincing. It's the kind of thing you have to wonder how it goes up that far first, and I sincerely doubt there's any chance of this happening between Chris-chan being "discovered" and the infamous situation.

If it's something made by the hatedom, on the other hand, it might turn out badly, on the grounds that the makers would be a bunch of people more interested in cramming weird factoids about the comic creator than people actually following any kind of plot, self-justified by the fact the comic already contains plenty of references, without accounting for how that looks to the uninitiated. It would be basically a documentary taking a mocking tone of the subject matter, and if it tries to get a theatre release, all Hell would get loose from both the IP holders and Chris-chan themselves.
 
Star Wars apparently had Jodi Foster as Leia, Kurt Russel as Han Solo, and Luke was going to be more like an Ewok. Before Lucas read Joseph Campbell's Hero With A Thousand Faces, Star Wars was reportedly much closer to a Saturday morning cartoon.
 
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