Box office bombs so powerful they make Ishtar, Cutthroat Island, and Manos - The Hands of Fate look like Titanic, Avatar, and The Blair Witch Project?
Alternate Cinematic Disasters
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Bone (2003), the live-action/animated hybrid movie produced by Nickelodeon Pictures and a film adaptation off of Jeff Smith's graphic novels of the same name. When I first heard of them making a film adaptation of his comics, I was all for it, especially after legend Harrison Ford was announced to be in it, but then the first trailers were released and from then everything just went downhill, FAST.
First off, it had Fone Bone, Phoney Bone, and Smiley Bone all produced in very bad and atrocious GCI, and being lazily copied-and-pasted into all the real life scenes, and they were all voiced by CHILD actors - granted, Alexander Gould and Sean Marquette did a semi-decent job as Fone and Smiley respectively, but still, they sounded way too young to be taken seriously. Secondly, the plot was INSANELY rushed, as it attempted to cram the entire series, and I mean the WHOLE series, into one film, making it feel so terribly underwhelming and confusing. Some of the favorite characters, like Kingdok, Bartleby, the Possum Kids, and Roque Ja, were cut out of the plot entirely, and instead of following the Lord of the Locusts like in the comic, the Hooded One, aka Briar, somehow IS the Lord of the Locusts in the film, claiming that it somehow possessed her when she was younger, although this point is never fully elaborated on throughout the film.
But wait, there's more to it: the whole "romance" subplot between Fone and Thorn was needless, insanely cringey and somewhat disturbing to see, especially after Thorn in the film actually ADMITS TO RECIPROCATING FONE'S FEELINGS, and the ending, with Grandma Ben suddenly sacrificing herself to kill Briar (since the Crown of Thorns book wasn't released yet, so that whole plot was cut out from the film) and Thorn randomly deciding at the last second to stay behind to become the new Queen of Atheia instead of returning back home, is just...I have no words for how ridiculous it is. And also, the two rat creatures (the brown and blue ones that Fone constantly runs into in the comics) still appear here, but they are demoted to just background comic relief characters who basically do nothing but constantly mess up and get injured while trying to eat Fone throughout the whole movie, which is a real shame because I liked them the most. Harrison Ford did a great job voicing the Great Red Dragon in his first voiceover role, but I'm sorry, that's not enough to salvage this wreck of a movie for me. An easy 0/10 for me, and if you're planning on watching it, DON'T.
First off, it had Fone Bone, Phoney Bone, and Smiley Bone all produced in very bad and atrocious GCI, and being lazily copied-and-pasted into all the real life scenes, and they were all voiced by CHILD actors - granted, Alexander Gould and Sean Marquette did a semi-decent job as Fone and Smiley respectively, but still, they sounded way too young to be taken seriously. Secondly, the plot was INSANELY rushed, as it attempted to cram the entire series, and I mean the WHOLE series, into one film, making it feel so terribly underwhelming and confusing. Some of the favorite characters, like Kingdok, Bartleby, the Possum Kids, and Roque Ja, were cut out of the plot entirely, and instead of following the Lord of the Locusts like in the comic, the Hooded One, aka Briar, somehow IS the Lord of the Locusts in the film, claiming that it somehow possessed her when she was younger, although this point is never fully elaborated on throughout the film.
But wait, there's more to it: the whole "romance" subplot between Fone and Thorn was needless, insanely cringey and somewhat disturbing to see, especially after Thorn in the film actually ADMITS TO RECIPROCATING FONE'S FEELINGS, and the ending, with Grandma Ben suddenly sacrificing herself to kill Briar (since the Crown of Thorns book wasn't released yet, so that whole plot was cut out from the film) and Thorn randomly deciding at the last second to stay behind to become the new Queen of Atheia instead of returning back home, is just...I have no words for how ridiculous it is. And also, the two rat creatures (the brown and blue ones that Fone constantly runs into in the comics) still appear here, but they are demoted to just background comic relief characters who basically do nothing but constantly mess up and get injured while trying to eat Fone throughout the whole movie, which is a real shame because I liked them the most. Harrison Ford did a great job voicing the Great Red Dragon in his first voiceover role, but I'm sorry, that's not enough to salvage this wreck of a movie for me. An easy 0/10 for me, and if you're planning on watching it, DON'T.
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I don’t know enough about his ideas and was hoping someone already did.
The fact that it was directed by Uwe Boll alone should give you an idea.
I've played around with placing the cast of Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness into Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, and having that be a success (pioneered largely by Lizzie Olsen and Xochitl Gomez as the Evelyn and Joy equivalents).
I then decided to try my hand at doing the opposite, which has the characters of EEAAO undergo a similar story arc to Doctor Strange et al. in DS2: MoM.
I have it stashed in my test thread, but it involves the film turning out normally until we get America Chavez (still portrayed by Gomez), who can create portals between realities. Instead of being hunted down by Wanda, she's being hunted down by forces led by Jobu Tupaki.
No "multiverse" explored. The only universes that get relevance are the IRS office, a version of 838 fitted towards the vibe of EEAAO, and whatever I had the incursion-verse as. Jobu (who gets visually corrupted throughout the course of the movie via the Everything Bagel) gets defeated by putting her through the same fate as DS2:MoM Wanda and exposing her villainy to an alternate Becky. She doesn't off herself but vows to fix everything she can across the multiverse, and leaves.
Meanwhile, Evelyn reconciles with her family. Due to being exposed to the Bagel earlier on in the film, she has an equivalent of that scene where Strange falls to his knees in the middle of the street and a third eye opens.
Still has Bruce Campbell as Pizza Poppa, because it's directed by Sam Raimi. Maybe has a Clea equivalent?
Anyway, while some bits are not polished, the intent is clear enough to determine whether this film would be good or not. I'm aiming for it to be reviewed similar to how DS2:MoM did in OTL.
I then decided to try my hand at doing the opposite, which has the characters of EEAAO undergo a similar story arc to Doctor Strange et al. in DS2: MoM.
I have it stashed in my test thread, but it involves the film turning out normally until we get America Chavez (still portrayed by Gomez), who can create portals between realities. Instead of being hunted down by Wanda, she's being hunted down by forces led by Jobu Tupaki.
No "multiverse" explored. The only universes that get relevance are the IRS office, a version of 838 fitted towards the vibe of EEAAO, and whatever I had the incursion-verse as. Jobu (who gets visually corrupted throughout the course of the movie via the Everything Bagel) gets defeated by putting her through the same fate as DS2:MoM Wanda and exposing her villainy to an alternate Becky. She doesn't off herself but vows to fix everything she can across the multiverse, and leaves.
Meanwhile, Evelyn reconciles with her family. Due to being exposed to the Bagel earlier on in the film, she has an equivalent of that scene where Strange falls to his knees in the middle of the street and a third eye opens.
Still has Bruce Campbell as Pizza Poppa, because it's directed by Sam Raimi. Maybe has a Clea equivalent?
Anyway, while some bits are not polished, the intent is clear enough to determine whether this film would be good or not. I'm aiming for it to be reviewed similar to how DS2:MoM did in OTL.
The King's Speech: A film about a guy overcoming a speech impediment proved to be completely dull and poorly made despite a $45 million budget. Made by the Weinstein Company as a major Oscar contender, it had an absurd $100 million marketing budget, but when it got a 16 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, it was done for.
The drama made just $2 million domestically and $39 million globally (most of which came from France).
As a result of the flop, AMPAS became a lot more critical of Weinstein-produced films for being blatant Oscar bait and Quentin Tarantino took his revenge Western Django Unchained to Sony, while The Artist, an homage to silent cinema, was acquired by IFC.
Harvey Weinstein tried to make a comeback, but allegations of sexual assault ended any chance of that.
The drama made just $2 million domestically and $39 million globally (most of which came from France).
As a result of the flop, AMPAS became a lot more critical of Weinstein-produced films for being blatant Oscar bait and Quentin Tarantino took his revenge Western Django Unchained to Sony, while The Artist, an homage to silent cinema, was acquired by IFC.
Harvey Weinstein tried to make a comeback, but allegations of sexual assault ended any chance of that.
Star Wars II: Splinter of the Mind's Eye
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Star Wars II: Splinter of the Mind's Eye is a 1980 American epic space opera film directed by Michael Cimino from a screenplay by Lawrence Kasdan, and based on a story by George Lucas. A sequel to Star Wars (1976), the story focuses on Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and Princess Leia (Bo Derek) - who are marooned together on the planet Mimban, where they encounter the locals and struggle against the forces of the evil Galactic Empire, including Darth Vader (David Prowse/James Earl Jones). The ensemble cast includes Mark Hamill, Bo Derek, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, David Prowse, Kris Kristofferson, John Hurt, Jeff Bridges, Isabelle Huppert, and Carrie Fisher.
After Star Wars failed to meet studio expectations, Creator George Lucas was tasked with making a low-budget sequel. After having seen The Deer Hunter (1978), Lucas approached director Michael Cimino about directing the film while Lucas focused on expanding Industrial, Light & Magic. However, Cimino had a very detailed and overly ambitious directing style, causing the film's production to face numerous setbacks. Additionally, other problems plagued the film - including significant cost overruns, bad press (allegations of animal cruelty on set), significant retakes, and Cimino pushing an incestuous interpretation of Luke and Leia's relationship - prompting actress Carrie Fisher to quit during production and be replaced by Bo Derek.
Splinter of the Mind's Eye was released on August 8, 1980, but was pulled from release after 10 days due to an overwhelmingly negative response by critics and audiences. The film was re-edited and a new ending was shot. Additionally, all footage of Carrie Fisher was removed from this cut and replaced by Bo Derek. The re-cut version of the film was released on March 20, 1981, but it remained a huge financial failure - only earning $2 million against a $45 million budget. The film was also panned by critics - who condemned it as not only one of the worst sequels ever made, but also one of the worst movies ever made in general. According to some film historians, such as Peter Biskind, the film's financial failure resulted in the demise of the blockbuster that was once popular in the mid-to-late 1970s. The film is widely believed to have capsized the careers of both Michael Cimino and George Lucas - the latter of which never made another film again and instead focused on visual effects (VFX) work.
Despite this, the film's reputation has somewhat improved with modern critics and audiences. A director's cut of Splinter of the Mind's Eye was released on August 8, 2010, and recieved mixed to positive reviews. Numerous other cuts of the film exist, although the original 1980 theatrical cut of the film was accidentally destroyed in an archiving accident in 1986.
EDIT: The Director's Cut came from the workprint version, not the 1980 cut.
POD: In 1976, Nolan Bushnell sells Atari, Inc to 20th Century Fox instead of Warner Bros. This effects production of the first Star Wars movie - with studio executives wanting the film to be released by Christmas 1976 and not tolerating extra re-edits. Consequently, Lucas has no choice but to release the John Jympson cut of the film. Said cut of the film has a slower-paced and more documentary-like tone to it unlike OTL's cut. As a result, the first Star Wars movie is only a modest success compared to OTL's huge pop culture phenomenon. In OTL, Splinter of the Mind's Eye was a novel written for the Extended Universe, and was intended to be the sequel in the case A New Hope was only slightly successful/outright failed. BTW, Heaven's Gate is butterflied with Cimino directing this film - but the results are just as bad.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Star Wars II: Splinter of the Mind's Eye is a 1980 American epic space opera film directed by Michael Cimino from a screenplay by Lawrence Kasdan, and based on a story by George Lucas. A sequel to Star Wars (1976), the story focuses on Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and Princess Leia (Bo Derek) - who are marooned together on the planet Mimban, where they encounter the locals and struggle against the forces of the evil Galactic Empire, including Darth Vader (David Prowse/James Earl Jones). The ensemble cast includes Mark Hamill, Bo Derek, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, David Prowse, Kris Kristofferson, John Hurt, Jeff Bridges, Isabelle Huppert, and Carrie Fisher.
After Star Wars failed to meet studio expectations, Creator George Lucas was tasked with making a low-budget sequel. After having seen The Deer Hunter (1978), Lucas approached director Michael Cimino about directing the film while Lucas focused on expanding Industrial, Light & Magic. However, Cimino had a very detailed and overly ambitious directing style, causing the film's production to face numerous setbacks. Additionally, other problems plagued the film - including significant cost overruns, bad press (allegations of animal cruelty on set), significant retakes, and Cimino pushing an incestuous interpretation of Luke and Leia's relationship - prompting actress Carrie Fisher to quit during production and be replaced by Bo Derek.
Splinter of the Mind's Eye was released on August 8, 1980, but was pulled from release after 10 days due to an overwhelmingly negative response by critics and audiences. The film was re-edited and a new ending was shot. Additionally, all footage of Carrie Fisher was removed from this cut and replaced by Bo Derek. The re-cut version of the film was released on March 20, 1981, but it remained a huge financial failure - only earning $2 million against a $45 million budget. The film was also panned by critics - who condemned it as not only one of the worst sequels ever made, but also one of the worst movies ever made in general. According to some film historians, such as Peter Biskind, the film's financial failure resulted in the demise of the blockbuster that was once popular in the mid-to-late 1970s. The film is widely believed to have capsized the careers of both Michael Cimino and George Lucas - the latter of which never made another film again and instead focused on visual effects (VFX) work.
Despite this, the film's reputation has somewhat improved with modern critics and audiences. A director's cut of Splinter of the Mind's Eye was released on August 8, 2010, and recieved mixed to positive reviews. Numerous other cuts of the film exist, although the original 1980 theatrical cut of the film was accidentally destroyed in an archiving accident in 1986.
EDIT: The Director's Cut came from the workprint version, not the 1980 cut.
POD: In 1976, Nolan Bushnell sells Atari, Inc to 20th Century Fox instead of Warner Bros. This effects production of the first Star Wars movie - with studio executives wanting the film to be released by Christmas 1976 and not tolerating extra re-edits. Consequently, Lucas has no choice but to release the John Jympson cut of the film. Said cut of the film has a slower-paced and more documentary-like tone to it unlike OTL's cut. As a result, the first Star Wars movie is only a modest success compared to OTL's huge pop culture phenomenon. In OTL, Splinter of the Mind's Eye was a novel written for the Extended Universe, and was intended to be the sequel in the case A New Hope was only slightly successful/outright failed. BTW, Heaven's Gate is butterflied with Cimino directing this film - but the results are just as bad.
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1972: Producer Al Ruddy has been handed The Godfather to produce. The choice of Ruddy by Paramount boss Bob Evans is a bit strange, as his primary past success was Hogan's Heroes, and his two movie attempts have been failures (despite one of them starring Robert Redford).
Ruddy's mandate is clear - bring this film in on a BUDGET. Paramount is owned by conglomerate Gulf & Western, and G&W's Austrian boss has a short attention span and a focus on PROFIT.
The book was of course a smash success, but producing a full period piece, of comparable scope to the long book? Too expensive, too likely to put the audience to sleep. Ruddy is a little uncertain when an aging John Ford reaches out with interest in the project. But, there are echoes of the Western-genre in the Mafia-book, and Ford is a legend. Ruddy is the guy who pitched Hogan's Heroes.
So, Ford is brought on board to direct. To economize on budget, the era of the movie is shifted from ~1946 to 1971. The young Michael Corleone returns from Vietnam and introduces his girlfriend to his family at the elaborate Italian wedding of his sister. Well, not TOO elaborate - extras cost money. Many questioned the casting of strawberry blonde Robert Redford as the Sicilian-descended Michael Corleone. The movie worked around this by having his mother (the Godfather's wife) be Irish.
Filming was only 3 weeks in (on a short, 6 week shooting schedule), when Ford broke his hip, and was expected to be laid up for weeks. Producer Ruddy vascillated, but ended up bringing on a young George Lucas to attempt to salvage the picture. But it was too little too late. Two directors, major changes from the successful book, a miscast Michael, and a fickle parent studio/conglamerate that started to lose interest as the whiff of failure swirled around the project. It was quietly released in early 1973, very much the wrong time for a prestige picture once expected to be Oscar-bait. Ultimately the movie did get one nomination (did not win) for costume design. Whether Redford could have had a successful career without this bomb is debateable. In any case, golden boys are a dime a dozen in Hollywood. Lucas, too, may have lost a bit of lustre, but he at least partially redeemed himself with a moderately successful Flash Gordon reboot.
Main PoD is Ford coming in to direct - no real basis for that, but it seemed interesting. OTL Ford broke his hip a little earlier (1970), and died in 1973. Much of the rest of the backstory is inspired by the excellent "The Offer" mini-series (making of the Godfather) on Paramount+, and some IMDB browsing, etc.
Ruddy's mandate is clear - bring this film in on a BUDGET. Paramount is owned by conglomerate Gulf & Western, and G&W's Austrian boss has a short attention span and a focus on PROFIT.
The book was of course a smash success, but producing a full period piece, of comparable scope to the long book? Too expensive, too likely to put the audience to sleep. Ruddy is a little uncertain when an aging John Ford reaches out with interest in the project. But, there are echoes of the Western-genre in the Mafia-book, and Ford is a legend. Ruddy is the guy who pitched Hogan's Heroes.
So, Ford is brought on board to direct. To economize on budget, the era of the movie is shifted from ~1946 to 1971. The young Michael Corleone returns from Vietnam and introduces his girlfriend to his family at the elaborate Italian wedding of his sister. Well, not TOO elaborate - extras cost money. Many questioned the casting of strawberry blonde Robert Redford as the Sicilian-descended Michael Corleone. The movie worked around this by having his mother (the Godfather's wife) be Irish.
Filming was only 3 weeks in (on a short, 6 week shooting schedule), when Ford broke his hip, and was expected to be laid up for weeks. Producer Ruddy vascillated, but ended up bringing on a young George Lucas to attempt to salvage the picture. But it was too little too late. Two directors, major changes from the successful book, a miscast Michael, and a fickle parent studio/conglamerate that started to lose interest as the whiff of failure swirled around the project. It was quietly released in early 1973, very much the wrong time for a prestige picture once expected to be Oscar-bait. Ultimately the movie did get one nomination (did not win) for costume design. Whether Redford could have had a successful career without this bomb is debateable. In any case, golden boys are a dime a dozen in Hollywood. Lucas, too, may have lost a bit of lustre, but he at least partially redeemed himself with a moderately successful Flash Gordon reboot.
Main PoD is Ford coming in to direct - no real basis for that, but it seemed interesting. OTL Ford broke his hip a little earlier (1970), and died in 1973. Much of the rest of the backstory is inspired by the excellent "The Offer" mini-series (making of the Godfather) on Paramount+, and some IMDB browsing, etc.
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OTOH, we wouldn't have gotten the excellent Godfather remake in 1992, directed by Martin Scorsese and starring John Turturro as Michael Corelone (Cage was up for the role, but Turturro impressed in the auditions), Nicolas Cage as Sonny Corelone, Steve Buscemi as Fredo Corelone, and Paul Sorvino as Vito Corelone. It won Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor (Turturro), among other awards...
Huh, now I wonder how it'll affect the rest of the Star Wars franchise.
Star Wars (I’m roleplaying for this TL) hasn’t been relevant since Splinter of the Mind’s Eye bombed spectacularly. In fact, maybe it’s a good thing Cimino wasted his pretentiousness on Star Wars rather than direct another arthouse feature.
I mean imagine if Cimino had his way and was able to direct one of his creator driven pet projects instead of focusing on a big budget blockbuster like Star Wars?!
We would be stuck in an endless cycle of money-hungry blockbusters and reboots and remakes that would make Hollywood creatively bankrupt!
Mad Max Fury Road (2006)
While praised for its stunts and car chases and post apocalyptic world building, as usual, the film, while profitable in box offices, was a costly disaster in other respects. Its release coincided with Mel Gibson's drunken arrest, and it caught flack and boycotts in the US for being seen as a commentary on the Iraq War and Bush administration.
While praised for its stunts and car chases and post apocalyptic world building, as usual, the film, while profitable in box offices, was a costly disaster in other respects. Its release coincided with Mel Gibson's drunken arrest, and it caught flack and boycotts in the US for being seen as a commentary on the Iraq War and Bush administration.
Here's a cinematic disaster y'all may have heard of: Sonichu: The Motion Picture.
While I only know of it because of its association with ChrisChan (whose other exploits are too Current Politics to mention here) in OTL, how might one actually turn out?
Mulholland Drive (2002)
Directed by Alan Smithee and Chris Carter
Written by David Lynch and Joss Whedon
I understand that the studio had David Lynch's rejected television pilot sitting around and wanted to do something with it, and you can see how the first hour and 45 minutes might have, in fact, been a decent start to a television series. It had a good mix of personal drama, shady underworld dealings, murder mystery, and general Lynchian weirdness that would have left the viewers eager to see what happened next. But to take a surreal-but-earthbound narrative and resolve it with bizarre "revelations" about time travel and alien abduction, and to have the amnesiac character recover her memories to discover that she's actually an ass-kicking, quip-delivering vigilante from a secret society that wasn't even mentioned until then...just no. And while the murder mystery gets resolved in the new ending, plenty of other questions are just left hanging out there. What was up with that scary-looking guy behind the diner, for example, and who exactly was the cowboy? I actually hesitate to blame Chris Carter and Joss Whedon directly for this mess, as their sensibilities are simply miles apart from Lynch's and the studio never should have handed them the keys in the first place. (Though Carter was probably in need of a break anyway if the last season of The X-Files was any indication.)
Bottom line, someone really should have realized handing 90 minutes of David Lynch's work to literally anyone else, and asking them to finish it, would not turn out well. Even just releasing the pilot as originally produced would have been better than this, and it's no wonder Lynch refused a directing credit for his portion.
Directed by Alan Smithee and Chris Carter
Written by David Lynch and Joss Whedon
I understand that the studio had David Lynch's rejected television pilot sitting around and wanted to do something with it, and you can see how the first hour and 45 minutes might have, in fact, been a decent start to a television series. It had a good mix of personal drama, shady underworld dealings, murder mystery, and general Lynchian weirdness that would have left the viewers eager to see what happened next. But to take a surreal-but-earthbound narrative and resolve it with bizarre "revelations" about time travel and alien abduction, and to have the amnesiac character recover her memories to discover that she's actually an ass-kicking, quip-delivering vigilante from a secret society that wasn't even mentioned until then...just no. And while the murder mystery gets resolved in the new ending, plenty of other questions are just left hanging out there. What was up with that scary-looking guy behind the diner, for example, and who exactly was the cowboy? I actually hesitate to blame Chris Carter and Joss Whedon directly for this mess, as their sensibilities are simply miles apart from Lynch's and the studio never should have handed them the keys in the first place. (Though Carter was probably in need of a break anyway if the last season of The X-Files was any indication.)
Bottom line, someone really should have realized handing 90 minutes of David Lynch's work to literally anyone else, and asking them to finish it, would not turn out well. Even just releasing the pilot as originally produced would have been better than this, and it's no wonder Lynch refused a directing credit for his portion.
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