AHC: Make The Dark Knight Rises as bad as Batman and Robin

[John Farson]

Inspired by "AHC: Doom Avatar" and the recent film threads.

What it says on the tin. How can you make Nolan's TDKR as bad as the infamous Joel Schumacher schlockfest?

 

[black angel]

its as poorly written, just looks better, first step is them not editing Bane's voice so no one will understand him (and yes they edit it to make it easier to understand)

 

[Enigmajones]

its as poorly written, just looks better, first step is them not editing Bane's voice so no one will understand him (and yes they edit it to make it easier to understand)

So are you saying that if the movie was as poorly written? Because TDKR was fantastically written.

 

[anw_rev]

There were some problems in TDKR like confusion between neutron and fusion bomb, the unrealistic football game, etc,
But to the entire thing, how they connect it to the other films, it still amazing.

How to make it suck? Kill Christopher Nolan
Perhaps our neighbourhood-friendly Michael Bay?

 

[loneranger]

its as poorly written, just looks better, first step is them not editing Bane's voice so no one will understand him (and yes they edit it to make it easier to understand)

Um, this is not a DBWI thread, you know that, right?

We're talking about the OTL movie here, so I don't know what alternate universe you live in.

 

[Beedok]

From what I remembered Batman and Robin wasn't that bad and didn't leave me feeling like it had all sorts of random plot holes, like Bruce Wayne with no money or ID getting from Kyrgestan to New York in a matter of a couple days.

 

[black angel]

So are you saying that if the movie was as poorly written? Because TDKR was fantastically written.

no it really wasn't, Batman giving up on being Batman? thats just silly but ok, now in TL he gives up being the Bat RIGHT after movie two, so he's basically crippled by being Batman for... 6 months... and people still remember him and have clear warm feelings after 7 years? ok... moving on why is Bane Russian? why is Talia Russian? what was wrong with South American and Arab? oh right we Americans love killing Russians I guess they're like Nazis always bad and you can kill them with out guilt, any ways Gotham's stock exchange is taken over and no one shuts down trading? I mean there was a room full of people watching and hearing them hack it and a guy every one knows was not there made a crazy trade and the police and SEC just let that go, what are they reading the script? any ways moving along so we make a big deal about Bruce's body being broken, we see some powered exoskeleton stuff, and than we just forget all of it because.... eh got bored, than some how after Bane breaks the Bat and teleports him to Central Asia by magic, and they rant about a hell pit but its not really all that hellish, at lest when the Bat is there, and he gets out for all the "This is Bane's Prison" they don't seem to really care they do nothing to stop him in fact they help, oh and I guess Bane wears the mask because his face is all messed up... um so what does it do? erm how is his face messed up? no answers cool, moving on, so lame 80s movies crap about using your heart and the rope holds you back blah blah blah Batman jumps a shorter jump than tons we've seen him do before but hey he gets out and finds that worm hole to get into Gotham from the other side of the world when he's broke and does it in 3 seconds... and now we're back to the shadowy 1,000 years old inexplicable cult/conspiracy that likes blowing up great cities because.... they're self righteous? I hate conspiracies even more so when we get into Dan Brown land, but yeah all these people blindly willing to nuke themselves for... um no idea, also love how the second it's clear Bane isn't the main bady we're done with him and dies because he's a lose end to be cleared up, and again Batman gives up on being Batman (after being magically healed) and than rub our noises in "WE'RE DOING A ROBIN MOVIE!" and just in case we're brain dead (or slept through most of the movie) the guy they'll have as Robin? his first name: Robin because they think we're brain dead chimps

 

[Russian Sailor]

no it really wasn't, Batman giving up on being Batman? thats just silly but ok, now in TL he gives up being the Bat RIGHT after movie two, so he's basically crippled by being Batman for... 6 months... and people still remember him and have clear warm feelings after 7 years? ok... moving on why is Bane Russian? why is Talia Russian? what was wrong with South American and Arab? oh right we Americans love killing Russians I guess they're like Nazis always bad and you can kill them with out guilt, any ways Gotham's stock exchange is taken over and no one shuts down trading? I mean there was a room full of people watching and hearing them hack it and a guy every one knows was not there made a crazy trade and the police and SEC just let that go, what are they reading the script? any ways moving along so we make a big deal about Bruce's body being broken, we see some powered exoskeleton stuff, and than we just forget all of it because.... eh got bored, than some how after Bane breaks the Bat and teleports him to Central Asia by magic, and they rant about a hell pit but its not really all that hellish, at lest when the Bat is there, and he gets out for all the "This is Bane's Prison" they don't seem to really care they do nothing to stop him in fact they help, oh and I guess Bane wears the mask because his face is all messed up... um so what does it do? erm how is his face messed up? no answers cool, moving on, so lame 80s movies crap about using your heart and the rope holds you back blah blah blah Batman jumps a shorter jump than tons we've seen him do before but hey he gets out and finds that worm hole to get into Gotham from the other side of the world when he's broke and does it in 3 seconds... and now we're back to the shadowy 1,000 years old inexplicable cult/conspiracy that likes blowing up great cities because.... they're self righteous? I hate conspiracies even more so when we get into Dan Brown land, but yeah all these people blindly willing to nuke themselves for... um no idea, also love how the second it's clear Bane isn't the main bady we're done with him and dies because he's a lose end to be cleared up, and again Batman gives up on being Batman (after being magically healed) and than rub our noises in "WE'RE DOING A ROBIN MOVIE!" and just in case we're brain dead (or slept through most of the movie) the guy they'll have as Robin? his first name: Robin because they think we're brain dead chimps

Wait Talia, and Bane are Russian? I thought they were Central Asian.........

 

[black angel]

Wait Talia, and Bane are Russian? I thought they were Central Asian.........

they both have a Russian/Eastern European accents its never said but they don't sound Central Asian

wait they say Talia is Russian, not Bane though

 

[loneranger]

From what I remembered Batman and Robin wasn't that bad and didn't leave me feeling like it had all sorts of random plot holes, like Bruce Wayne with no money or ID getting from Kyrgestan to New York in a matter of a couple days.

No, I watched it again today, and it really is that bad. Hulk!Bane, Punny Freeze, Halloween-esque costumes, Bat-nipples, Poor dialogue, poor action scenes. The list goes on and on.

The two movies are not even remotely comparable, and people that insist that they are similar are either absolutely insane or have some sort of idiotic agenda they feel like pushing concerning a damned comic book movie.

 

[The Red]

Wait Talia, and Bane are Russian? I thought they were Central Asian.........

Can we just agree on 'ex-Soviet'?

For the OP, keep Bane as terrible as he was in 'Batman and Robin', but give him more dialogue, all of which is puns.

 

[Beedok]

No, I watched it again today, and it really is that bad. Hulk!Bane, Punny Freeze, Halloween-esque costumes, Bat-nipples, Poor dialogue, poor action scenes. The list goes on and on.

Icy you don't like puns.

 

[black angel]

No, I watched it again today, and it really is that bad. Hulk!Bane, Punny Freeze, Halloween-esque costumes, Bat-nipples, Poor dialogue, poor action scenes. The list goes on and on.

The two movies are not even remotely comparable, and people that insist that they are similar are either absolutely insane or have some sort of idiotic agenda they feel like pushing concerning a damned comic book movie.

no doubt Batman and Robin is one of the worst movies ever made, but that on its own doesn't make The Dark Knight Rises a great or even good movie, its pretty standard big budget movie, plot holes one can drive a truck through more boom and bust lines than thoughts, fine brain candy but not much more, unlike what many people seem to think "best movie ever!"

 

[anw_rev]

Black angel seems to be really pissed because there's no more movie about Arab al-Qaeda-y or South American Shining Path-y villains.

A man stuck in the past.

 

[Russian Sailor]

they both have a Russian/Eastern European accents its never said but they don't sound Central Asian

wait they say Talia is Russian, not Bane though

Yeah.....why does Talia have to be Russian

Can we just agree on 'ex-Soviet'?

For the OP, keep Bane as terrible as he was in 'Batman and Robin', but give him more dialogue, all of which is puns.

I can agree with that.

 

[loneranger]

no it really wasn't, Batman giving up on being Batman? thats just silly

The Dark Knight Returns. Maybe you should read up on it.

ok... moving on why is Bane Russian? why is Talia Russian? what was wrong with South American and Arab? oh right we Americans love killing Russians I guess they're like Nazis always bad and you can kill them with out guilt,

Now you're just making shit up.

any ways Gotham's stock exchange is taken over and no one shuts down trading? I mean there was a room full of people watching and hearing them hack it and a guy every one knows was not there made a crazy trade and the police and SEC just let that go, what are they reading the script?

Didn't really break suspension of disbelief for anyone else.

any ways moving along so we make a big deal about Bruce's body being broken, we see some powered exoskeleton stuff, and than we just forget all of it because.... eh got bored, than some how after Bane breaks the Bat and teleports him to Central Asia by magic,

The exoskeleton solved the whole no-cartilage thing, thought that was made pretty abundantly clear for anyone actually paying attention - hell, if you were half asleep it would have been clear. As for getting to Asia - would you rather we waste five minutes of screen time with Bane and Batman crammed into a compact car during five o clock traffic? (Actually... )

and they rant about a hell pit but its not really all that hellish, at lest when the Bat is there, and he gets out for all the "This is Bane's Prison" they don't seem to really care they do nothing to stop him in fact they help,

They talked about that. Bane killed all the really bad guys for beating him up, IIRC.

oh and I guess Bane wears the mask because his face is all messed up... um so what does it do? erm how is his face messed up? no answers cool,

Once again deliberately overlooking facts - they alluded multiple times to the idea that it kept him from being in pain.

moving on, so lame 80s movies crap about using your heart and the rope holds you back blah blah blah Batman jumps a shorter jump than tons we've seen him do before but hey he gets out

You're not even trying anymore are you?

and finds that worm hole to get into Gotham from the other side of the world when he's broke and does it in 3 seconds...

He traveled the world for what, seven years, with nothing but the clothes on his back. And in this day and age (hell, even in the 1800s), a man as rich and well known as him could get around on credit alone.

and now we're back to the shadowy 1,000 years old inexplicable cult/conspiracy that likes blowing up great cities because.... they're self righteous? I hate conspiracies even more so when we get into Dan Brown land,

Because Gotham is a den of greed and corruption not worth saving. Pretty well established in the first movie, assuming you bothered to watch the whole thing.

but yeah all these people blindly willing to nuke themselves for...

What the hell are you talking about?

um no idea, also love how the second it's clear Bane isn't the main bady we're done with him and dies because he's a lose end to be cleared up,

Valid point.

and again Batman gives up on being Batman (after being magically healed)

If you're talking about how he magically survived a nuclear fucking explosion, then yes, I also agree with you there.

and than rub our noises in "WE'RE DOING A ROBIN MOVIE!" and just in case we're brain dead (or slept through most of the movie) the guy they'll have as Robin? his first name: Robin because they think we're brain dead chimps

That's a weird statement considering you wanted every little plot detail rubbed in your face or it was just a plot hole.

 

[black angel]

Black angel seems to be really pissed because there's no more movie about Arab al-Qaeda-y or South American Shining Path-y villains.

A man stuck in the past.

more than having "da evil Russians?" thats not an 80s meme that will not die at all, any ways I don't want Bane to be like Shining Path (though given what he does lead its self to radical Communism) or Talia to be al-Qaeda, I just see no reason to change their races other than this:

Nolan: "so we can't have an Arab terrorist bad guy that'd be racist"
Writer 1: "or a Latin American bad guy, they'll say we're picking on Hispanics"
Writer 2: "well what if we make them Russians?'
Nolan: "yeah yeah, Russian bad guys always work, people love killing Russians, sweet we can have non-racist bad guys!"

 

[TheSevenLeggedFallyDowner]

If you're talking about how he magically survived a nuclear fucking explosion, then yes, I also agree with you there.

Actually that was explained pretty explicitly as well. Lucius discovers that The Bat actually DID have an autopilot that was installed by Bruce before his confrontation with Bane. So obviously he set the autopilot and then ejected once he was far enough away that people wouldn't notice the parachute.

 

[Beedok]

Actually that was explained pretty explicitly as well. Lucius discovers that The Bat actually DID have an autopilot that was installed by Bruce before his confrontation with Bane. So obviously he set the autopilot and then ejected once he was far enough away that people wouldn't notice the parachute.

And then died of hypothermia in the frigid north atlantic in winter. . .

 

[Russian Sailor]

The Dark Knight Returns. Maybe you should read up on it.

Now you're just making shit up.

Didn't really break suspension of disbelief for anyone else.

The exoskeleton solved the whole no-cartilage thing, thought that was made pretty abundantly clear for anyone actually paying attention - hell, if you were half asleep it would have been clear. As for getting to Asia - would you rather we waste five minutes of screen time with Bane and Batman crammed into a compact car during five o clock traffic? (Actually... )

They talked about that. Bane killed all the really bad guys for beating him up, IIRC.

Once again deliberately overlooking facts - they alluded multiple times to the idea that it kept him from being in pain.

You're not even trying anymore are you?

He traveled the world for what, seven years, with nothing but the clothes on his back. And in this day and age (hell, even in the 1800s), a man as rich and well known as him could get around on credit alone.

Because Gotham is a den of greed and corruption not worth saving. Pretty well established in the first movie, assuming you bothered to watch the whole thing.

What the hell are you talking about?

Valid point.

If you're talking about how he magically survived a nuclear fucking explosion, then yes, I also agree with you there.

That's a weird statement considering you wanted every little plot detail rubbed in your face or it was just a plot hole.

At the time when Bruce got out of that "Hellish prison" wasn't Bruce Wayne broke because of a bad investment that Bane and other people orchestrated?